Im breaking down inside

I wish someone truly understood me.
I wish i could explain what my spiritual journey has been like so far and my purpose on this earth and what makes me happy and what drives my soul, where people wont think im a complete nutcase.
And where they’ll hug me and say everythings going to be okay. Just keep doing what you love. It doesnt matter what others think. You need to do YOU and follow your heart.

But nobody gets it. Nobody ever will.
My best friend has changed. He is this negative person who doesnt have a clue of who I am or what i do and why i do it. And only seems to want to hurt me, these days.

I live in a magical spiritual world in which I finally understand the reason for why im here. In this mystical reality. I think i understand my duty. I may temporarily get off track at times and give into false temptation. But it doesnt stop me from picking myself back up and going about my journey as i sail on this ship of surrealism. My life is so surreal sometimes i think its a movie. I know some people are on the same page as me, i just wish i could find them so that in times like these when our regular family and friends say or do things that hurt us because they simply dont understand these crazy lives we live, we could support eachother. Even i dont understand it at times. I mean its far more clear to me now than ever before, but it is not explainable to anyone of those who are not on the same path and journey as we are.
I mean it kind of is. But would they listen ? Would they believe us ?

My ship is currently sailing through a bad storm. I fell for someone completely unusual in which i dont understand how it happened. Just one night of talking and being close and holding her and touching her skin and kissing her soft lips, i didnt know it at the time, but when id get home and look back on it the next day, id be completely insane for her.

This is not a good thing. I no longer, ever, want to subject myself to falling in love. All my life ive been surrounded by people with tainted hearts, manipulation and lies are control their whole life, and in the end, my heart is heavy. And breaks. And it hurts too much. So i like to keep away from situations where i could potentially end up having very strong feelings for someone. It never has turned out well for me.

As for me, i am female. I can fall in love with anyone of any gender. Their inner beauty and what goes on in their minds.. is what makes me fall. And i fall hard, and fast. It doesnt matter whether theyre male or female. The feeling of being comfortable around someone as youre lying with them, intertwined, you love everything about them.
From their soft skin, to the front they put up for defense when meeting new people, and then when their wall comes down they are the sweetest most beautiful person. Their scars show their past and you just have the urge to run your fingers over them and kiss them and hold them and make them feel better. And do anything in your power to make them see their worth and their beauty.

I am not new to this. I’ll be spending time with someone and while i know theyre into me, i am as well into them at that very moment. I think, ah, this is just some innocent fun. Its when they leave and theyre gone and i am alone once again, able to really ponder and think about them… i miss their presence, i want to lay with them just us two alone, safe and happy. I think all the beautiful things they said to me and how no ones ever said that to me before, not at least in the sincerity she seemed to have.

I keep my walls up though. The world in which i sometimes find myself in, on a mission. Most can do or say anything it is that they know will get them what they want. I cant let her know that im crazy about her. I cant show any emotion and be vulnerable. Its too risky. Its just going to turn out like it always has. In pain. I dont trust anyone at all anymore, absolutely no one. Many are deceiving and have alterior agendas. I will love everyone and be kind to everyone. But never will i let myself fall in love.
Oh wait. Is it too late ? Regardless, when this happens, i dont say a word and eventually the feelings subside. Back out early before it gets harder. Before its too late and youre head over heels and well.. to them, you were just a playmate. A toy, if you will.

My world is crashing before my eyes. My life gets more complicated as time continues and im in it all alone. Im losing friends because they say im a horrible person and everything i do is to intentionally hurt others. That really gets to me cause it couldnt be more than the complete opposite.
My best friend doesnt know me anymore. He has changed. He is arrogant and negative. It hurts me deep inside that this rollercoaster of a life im on could never be described.

I feel like my worlds been turned completely upside down. I dont want to be in love and i dont want my best friend to suddenly become an enemy. But is that life ? Is this just a regular occurance that happens to a lot of people ?

“It is almost impossble for [people like us] to live completely normal lives.”

How do you justify that to those who view your life from the outside in such a negative way.
Im sorry. But this is what i have to do, where i have to be, who i have to talk to, whom i must reveal pure love to. Sincere, beautiful love.
Yes i get taken advantage of and yes sometimes people hate me for it and it leaves me broken knowing that ive failed. But at the same time, i dont understand them just as they dont understand me. I mustn’t give up just because of one hostile experience.
I can only hope this individual looks back on it one day and sees the beauty in it. I dont want her to feel guilty, i just want her to think, “wow, she was a beautiful kind soul.”

I have a feeling this girl whom i have feelings for, is in jail. She was on the run, and hiding. She called me everyday and i only answered a few times. I am not a huge phone talker. I prefer messaging and texting. Had i known she’d disappear right after having such a beautiful time with her, and that i would end up loving her, i would have answered every one of those calls. I would have had her over everyday and fed her tiny frail body. I would keep her in my house as often as i could where its safe and secure. Sure, take her away from me as soon as i go mad over her. But perhaps its a good thing. She wont even be available to speak with or see.. for the next 2 years.. if she really is back in jail.
Whatever. I’ll just bail her out. I dont care.

I must stay far, far away from falling in love.
And far, far away from people who hurt my soul.


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