Dear (B)M.B.M. in rememberence of an angel

I remember the first day we met
Our first conversation.
It was something so silly that youd never think two total strangers would talk about.
Oh i remember. Lube !
You were so funny and such a joy. I really took a liking to you. I was comfortable with you and enjoyed your company and your soft gentle voice.
We left and i begged them for us to go back to where you were at. I missed you already and it had been less than a day. Perhaps less than a few hours. But i asked and asked for us to go back or to go get you. Whichever one. I dont remember exactly.

I fell in love with you fast and hard the week we spent at the beach. We layed together and just laughed and talked and god, i loved your stories. I loved dressing up as wonder woman for you. I love how wonder woman was your first love or crush or whatever it was when you were younger. I loved how in sync we were with our silly little quirks and jokes and laughter. I love how you cared.

You brought me a sandwich. You cared about what i had drawn. All night, all day, we talked and laughed and you were there for me when i went into my usual state of craziness. You gave me a puke bucket. You cleaned it out for me even. You laced up my boots. You snook a peak but never asked or tried for more.

We went on an adventure. Back then i was beautiful in a black dress that draped over my thin body. You thought i was beautiful and i knew you did. We walked the streets downtown and i chased the ducks at the pond. I was like a child. You saw that. You loved it – my innocence and young heart. I knew you did and felt that you did. I felt you watch from afar. That night the porch were full of creepy crawlies which i knew you didnt like from your story you told on the front porch at the house. You hated them. I loved that about you. You were a man, but with fears that really touched me. I dont know – something about it, a unique fear for a man such as yourself. What man admits that anyways ? Your honesty and genuineness never failed to cause me to grow more and more infatuated with you.

You asked me if i was okay. I did the same. With everybody. I want and need everyone to be okay – others happy makes me happy and you and i would never want anyone to be any less than that. Perhaps its cause we knew what sadness and being lost in a world in which we found to be rather strange, felt like. B, we got eachother. We understood eachothers feelings and cared about eachothers feelings but not only that, but others’ as well. Although you were far more wise and experienced so unlike me who was naive at the time, you knew when to stand your ground.

I called you on your birthday. You werent doing anything special as you should have been. I mean after all, you deserved the world. Instead we got together. I dont remember what we did that night and day. Talked ? Cleaned the old mans room ? You were so caring and always took care of others before yourself. Maybe thats why you were always on the go. You had things to do and people to help. Were you running from me? Or waiting for me …. because…. i was waiting for you. But i never ran. I guess i never experienced that type of trauma which makes you run. Run from love. Why do we do it? I dont do it. I want love so bad that when i love i love deeply and with my whole heart and soul and…. i have trust issues but… whats the point of love if fear always gets in the way of it ? That is, of anything real.

I end it here. I end the fear. Fear of love and fear of being real. Real love should not be destroyed. It should be raised up and conquer. If two are perfect for eachother then they should be together. FUCK fear of getting hurt. What will happen if you never do anything about a situation like so all because of some stupid little worry. Then youll never know. And that, that is truly heart breaking. Missing out because of being scared of something that would never ever happen – because true love does exist and never dies.

I regret never kissing you. I regret some of the things i said. I regret all the things we could and should have been. I regret not experiencing something greater than what we already were. You, you made me so fucking happy. You called me everyday just to check up and ask if i was alright. You asked what i was up to. You told me you missed me. You came over lots to wake me up. You bounced on the bed like it were christmas morning.; You made me feel beautiful. We smoked a cigarette under the covers. You showed me songs and signs and all kinds of things. You showed me how it felt to be in love. Running to the phone when youd call more excited than a 5 year old on their birthday or any holiday really
You were my holiday
You were my everything
You were my B
Everything i did and drew – was from my soul as i thought of you.

Im so sorry. So fucking sorry i didnt show more of my real feelings or affection but it was at the wrong time at the wrong plaace and everything was fucked but not only that, i remember what you said that night.

Love is not sex. I mean you could love sex and stuff but its not real.
Real love is laying all night staring into space and sharing stories. It is absolutely missing them during their abscense. It is wanting nothing more than their company. It is when every song reminds you of them. It is when you feel like a child again. And can be one. Together.

I wish i kissed you. Id do anything to go back and kiss you. I was scared too. I really didnt know what you wanted. I mean i did but you kept running. Was i supposed to kiss you ? Or would it have ended things on your part. I didnt know if kissing was included with what you had said about what makes you stop loving a girl.

My feelings for you were more than anything id ever felt about anyone and it was beyond anything physical.
I wish i could read that book again. I couldnt believe my eyes. I mean i could… it was just… incredible. Ive written and written pages of bullshit over guys who never gave a fuck about me. But you… you had pages and pages written about me and ….. i fucking miss you. Im sorry. I love you. Perhaps we were too similar to go further than where we got. You helped me in so many ways and i hope i did too somehow. Perhaps that in a cruel scary world, innocence and kindness still exists. You know, thats why i loved you. After all those years you never changed and lost your dignity or soul. Im never going to change either. B, i will fight the rest of the demons and im doing it for you.
You couldnt trust me cause you couldnt trust anyone. I understand that now. Sometimes the universe is a dark place and leads us to shadows. But people like you and i make it brighter – by putting a smile on peoples face. Genuine kindness. Soul and heart full of love. Nothing can ever take that away from us. They talk and they talk and they fuck with us and raise us high to crash us down. But our goods will always remain. They shall never be stolen. We shall always be happy and fulll of love life and light.

Youre not gone. You have your wings. I have yet another angel to protect me. You always already did though. But now you will in a different way. I hope you can see past all my newly aqcuired flaws. But; thanks for showing me so many things and thanks for  all the memories – even when you ran away probably cause my anxiety was too much bad energy for you. Ha. I know how to channel it though now. At least in this harsh world.; I know what to do. Im learning everytime.

“When you go
Just know that i
Will remember you.
If living was the hardest part
We’ll then one day
Be together.
And then i’ll be with you
I will be there one last time”

Ps. Thanks for being the handsome handyman you always were.
Thanks for everytime you showed concern
Thanks for being you
You were and will always be an angel
So fly
You shined
But now you shine even brighter

Because after all, stars are blind.

image

The change is now
Let this place
Be free of chaos
Hatred
Lies
Deceit
And war.

Please.

Im not sure i can create world peace everywhere but…. at least here.
Where it matters.
Where for whatever reason
Are the people i care most about

Strange in a way
We were just an angel away
No more running
We showed our colors
I came i saw i conquered
But all i really wanted was to compromise
You saw through my eyes
Didnt you ?

image

All that has been lost
Now remains
Drink from the fountain of youth
And never age again
Jump across every cloud
Fly away

I wish i knew back then what i knew now.
You could have taught me so much.

Its okay though
Because you did

My love for you will last thousands and thousands of years.

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