I see a vision of my life

I am not after a life which consists of nothing but imaginary dreams, false hopes and broken promises.
Where i stay inside all day basking in my own psychotic delight.
Stay where nothing but make believe is all that i engage in, a happy little world of my own away from the harsh reality we all know too well.

Ive come to the point where i no longer feel the need to be constantly seeking an escape. Somehow the feeling of independence, responsability and structure are fulfilling me nicely. How i cant wait to wake up and have a nice cup of coffee, breakfast and a cigarette.
Play with my makeup and get pretty for the day. I dont care what anyone says. Makeup is a hobby which contributes to my self confidence and happiness.  Why wouldnt anyone do something if it boosts their self esteem ?
And now i find comfort in a healthy diet rich in vegetables and fruits and grains and whatever else i can afford but is still healthy. Earphones in and out i go for a jog, striding to the rhythm, working up a sweat and releasing those endorphins. That right there is pure satisfaction.
I take baby steps as i work towards the life ive always dreamed of. It doesnt happen overnight. The first thing is to surround yourself in an environment that reinforces the life you want.
I am utterly blessed to have found the perfect home. My room is bright and cheery with colors and patterns so bright and vivid that it stimulates my brain. Candles and perfumes of scents that playfully enlighten my sense of smell.
I love each and every one of my roommates and im lucky i can say that and mean it. Its not easy moving in with total strangers. And even though were all sort of mental in our own way and im sure we aggravate one another from time to time… i feel like theyre my family. This is my family. This is my home. And i have never been happier with a decision ive made my whole life.
“We are all mad here.”
And this is why i belong.
I want to stop calling it ‘setbacks’ or ‘falling off the wagon.”
Everyone needs an escape from reality time to time.
Some go on a vacation. Some go hiking. Some go to the spa. Therefore my blue moon dabbles shall be nothing but a simple reality escape. Cause lets face it. Whatever the heck reality its called, its way more interesting and fun than that of what im used to.
Ive come to terms with the fact that its alright. As long as its not controlling your life, hurting your life in any way or stripping you of your REAL LIFE responsabilities and goals, then its A-OK in my books. And should be in everyone elses too.
My addiction is knowledge, and laying in my own little world for hours on end while getting excited about things that probably dont even play a single role of relevance to my life. But it seems my child-like imagination loves to believe things. Things that id want in this lifetime but im not sure how to go about doing that.
I could be bursting at the seams with faith and hope that i could explode, only to fall asleep and wake up and laugh at my childish dreams.
Since it seems i cannot get employed there, for doing what i would want to do forever, my best option is to settle back into everyday society and play a role. Not just any role. My goal is to help and never stop helping. It doesnt need to be rocket science. (Although i do adore the challenge) one day i will tell those kids my life story. And it will be a crude and raw one. And i hope that its enough to stop at least ONE person from making the mistake i did. I will tell them over and over again that ignorance is bliss and you really do not want to take that long dark and dwindling road, because its haunting, and will change you forever.
Go to the mall. Have sleepovers. Go hunting for cute boys. Enjoy the simplicity of being young. We all wished to be adults as kids and now were adults and wishing the opposite.
Dont grow up too fast. Dont turn to alcohol or drugs to have fun. Find what you love doing and dO it !! Its not hard to figure out.

Yeah. I have a story. Its a story i know people need to hear before its too late. I wish i had someone to tell me a story like mine at seventeen years old. Maybe it would have saved me a lot of pain and damage. Its not a pretty life and it isnt fun. Oh, trust me. There are a lot of parts i know i must always keep to myself. Or change it around or somehow get the point across without having to reveal the true nightmarish events i had to endure which in all honesty i am so so so thankful that today i am still alive, i am not dead, i danced with the devil but still kept my soul.
The fact that i have a story and am finally realizing the best way to tell it to people who need it most is breathtaking. That right there really sparks my soul.
Oh sure. There will be some if not many who go against my warnings anyway. But knowing that someone had warned them beforehand even makes me feel a bit better. The way the government goes about it is completely ridiculous.
These kids need truth, not scare tactics.
How about we tell them they will constantly be living in fear, or how its nothing but a swarm of disgusting cockroaches just waiting to victimize and exploit their next prey, often doing so all behind the scenes while the innocent is quickly dragged into the dark abyss.

Ugh ! Im telling you ! I was one of the very very few lucky ones who was able to climb out and not let it ruin my life for the rest of my life.
I should be dead. And i vow to make this second chance at life the very best life i can possibly make out of it. A meaningful, happy, healthy life.
I used to hate the idea of being a slave to society. But this is not being a slave. This is doing something that my soul is passionate about. You have a story to tell ? Tell it. Doesnt have to be a book. Who would benefit most from hearing your story ? I figured it out. And while dabbling in magic and what had seemed like miracles at the time, was exciting, i think a new chapter must unfold and i’ll save lives before its too late and not in a constant state of fear or doubt.
No, i was not meant to play connect the dots my entire life. You dont get PAID for GAMES. Its not about the money and its not about the recognition. Its about taking what i have and making the best out of it. Its about being there for those kids when they truly just need someone who understands. Cause i do. And i bet i’ll see myself in so many of them and it will be heart breaking. BUT ill have to ask myself. When i was in their position, what was it that i truly needed right there right now ?

My journey is truly exciting and i am so blessed to now be able to see the clarity of it all. I am so so so excited to reach my destination ! A rewarding career, one day my perfect partner, my own place that i can decorate all on my own,  a nice bird, a cat, a dog. Okay maybe 2 of each. A family. Enough money in the bank to live comfortably. Save money for our kids’ futures. Travel. See the PLANET EARTH and not just fantasies i made up in my head.


You can shake me
And break me
But when i see a vision
Of how i want life to be
Theres no stopping me
Not now
Not ever

But if i do crumble a bit
Or even fall down
I dont have time to fuck around
Im getting back up
And putting on my crown

See, the thing is
Ive survived so much
I dont know whats left
That i havent conquered yet.

Yesterday was a lesson
Tomorrow im just guessin’
And today is all mine.



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