it was strange in a way how so many writings and scriptures and stories all fascinated her to the point where she could have sworn she was a character in that very literature – then, and now.
she related to almost everything, feeling like the universe was ONE, and that the world as we know it is designed and intertwined like a big ball of yarn. all connected, but if unwoven, turns to one, long, seemingly endless thread – string – rope- whatever you prefer.
i remember days where it freaked her right out. all the surreal moments made her heart race to the point where she had to focus on regulating the beats of her very best organ. maybe if she knew one day she’d look back at what now seems like a mere dream, it wouldnt scare the living daylights out of her. she would have treated it like the very art of surrealism that it was – that to this day she is mysteriously drawn to. and now she knows why. because her life was a good one, a fairytale at best, and nightmare at worst. it was surreal, nothing short of a movie.
treat your life as if it were magic. and believe in it. make magic your reality and youll be pleasantly surprised at how much more fun, meaningful, and exciting everything gets. once you master the magic its hard to be unhappy. you will walk around, in public, going about your day, constantly talking out loud your silly thoughts and then laughing at them – at least this is what sparks joy for me. coming off completely mental to any outside spectators – yet they dont realize i probably have it more together than most of those poor souls conforming to what society pushes as ‘normal’, and i think you have to sort of lose your mind a bit to find happiness within yourself. and i know people found it refreshing to see a young adult i guess different, cheerful, loving, goofy, non chalant and pretty damn coocoo if you ask me, yet so intelligent, insightful and bright, she could do any damn thing she pleased in life.
those who hated on her or thought she was weird, were the ones who wished they could be like that. so careless, free, and beautiful. she was damn well blessed and she knew it. they knew it. and it compelled her to play a little game for herself everywhere, when anyone who did not give in to her light and joy, she simply HAD to shine even brighter so they succumbed, gave in, and loved her.
because she thrived off of love. and maybe that was what made her evil. was the jar of hearts she unknowingly, or sometimes knowingly even, she kept for keepsake. but bloody hell, someone who spreads love so carelessly is so hard to come by these days, she didnt realize how fucking rare of a species she was. and thats what broke her, was being let down time and time again, her heart and her love always unmatched. either that or she was vain, not looking hard enough, or repeating the same mistake of always looking in the wrong place.
she still gets confidence and conceited mixed up all the time and she shouldnt. she knew she had flaws, in fact she had many, she was after all, human. she just hid them well, i guess.
she sought the answers to everything she couldnt understand and then she understood why curiosity killed the cat. the more she sought the more she realized i dont belong here
darkness rose her up to believe she had found something great, whether a home or a family, all to just tear it all back down and hope she suffered. but this time, she refused. she made it her choice to stay humble, knowing all the tears of her past always get stitched back together.
maybe home is a state of mind.
i hope i can hold on to that state of mind and not lose it this time.