relapsed girl – poem about addiction

The poison courses through her veins

Straight to the brain

She can’t feel a thing

Focus and vision she’s struggling

Pupils angrily juggling

Empty spaces in her head, spinning.

Relief as she forgets last minute’s stress

She loves she feels so much carelessness

She basked in her emotional nothingness

Ignoring she’s created quite a mess.

Shes gone overboard this time.

Couldn’t stop and kept on going.

Self discipline out the window

Deep down she feels out of control

Life was too hard on her own.

She decided nothing cut it anymore.

Escaping reality again she chose.

She had forgotten the fun of the rush.

She had forgotten the safety of being untouched.

Only herself and her bubble she could trust.

But it just couldn’t last long enough.

She didn’t want to remember the realities of life that much

Or how she had already used up all the self medicating good stuff.

She didn’t want the sun to come up

Forcing to find ways to hide and cover it all up

She’s ever only felt regret if caught.

Until the poison wears off and she begins to feel negative thoughts
Creep in like bellowing clouds of pollution, interrupting, and dirtying

Her comrortably empty mind, serene, at some sort of peace

She couldn’t understand why good things couldnt just be

It was a cruel joke, as such delights must become deceased.

And pretty soon her bubble will float away.

Pretty soon she’ll be faced with the return of her senses

Irritation and depression will set back in

This time unable to keep feeding her demons

It just could never be enough satisfaction

It never was nor would be, and this was one bad addiction

So here came another day of pretending. Lost count of such days it had been.

Shifting her attention back to the high, she shouldn’t start to worry just yet.

Plenty of time until the moon sets

Plenty of time to avoid people and conversations.

Plenty of time to forget that just one time is often permanent.

Plenty of time to hide the unattractive evidence

Plenty of time to brainstorm new excuses.

But nothing to worry about, not just yet.

She clings onto the numbness 

Fighting as time stole her artificial happiness

When it’s all said and done, it will be fine. She is convinced.

Fooling no one, not even her very self.

But who cares when its no work and all play

And when there’s a will, there’s a way.

She tries to comfort herself knowing she’s done this thousands of times before.

When the party comes to an end, so does the entire world

It ends upon its return.

Desperation to avoid the world sets in.

So what if she’s raised suspicion

So what if all the money’s missing

So what if the comedown felt crippling

Because right then and there, nothing really mattered anymore.

Nothing ever really did.

She wishes she could live rather than exist.

Forever a void needing to be filled.

The fulfillment, that’s what she craved. That’s what mattered to her.

And that’s when she remembered, it was about that time.

How ironic it is, filling a space by emptying a space.

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