Apathy

She don’t feel a thing no more, 

Emotions have run dry.

A beautiful soul with so much light 

It all has seems to have died.

Raw and real, life of the party 

Turned superficial sad, dull and quiet.

All she knows is vanity. Looking good saves her sanity.

 Suddenly it dawned on her that she wasn’t so special anymore. With no more spark she became just like everybody else.

A cold hearted, materialistic boring average girl. 

Pretty and numb

Gave up on love 

Days go by slow

With nowhere to go 

When the amusement  train rides the crystal railroads once in a blue moon only, hey, conductor? Update the schedule will you? We seem to be eager to ride and ride and ride as much as we can get away with….

Should I eat today

Another morning 

Another glance at the mirror 

Another breakfast she will skip

Another lie she’ll have to slip

Another workout to lose the hips

Another battle in the kitchen 

Stomach growling but she won’t listen

She wants bread but sips tea instead.

Another walk through the city.

Another boring afternoon with coffee.

Another restaurant that teases her hunger.

Another smile knowing she’s not eating and getting fatter

Her little body moans and groans for dinner.

But her mind is always there to stop her.

She reaches for the lettuce instead, it’s so much safer.

She grazes all evening until she gives in.

Just one little snack to ease this craving.

Then another and another until there’s no escaping 

She’s trapped in a hell and its called binging 

And she reaches the toilet to fix her mistake.

Hoping she rid of every calorie on that plate

Throat is sore, but she lights up anyway.

Cigarettes are best after throwing that stress away..

She swallows her pills, finally this nightmare can be over.

And in the morning, relief.. 

She weighs herself. The scale. Her best friend the monster.

Lost more weight. Down with the pounds. 

That evil number decreasing is her happiness and power.
All time low. In more ways than one. She waits until she can feel again. 

To live In apathy with very little dull excitement is such a sad thing.

For now she hides secrets that keep things interesting.

Accessorize with collarbones. And hip bones make quite the comfortable hand rests.

everything will be alright.

im being pulled from side to side
fighting so hard to walk a straight line
sometimes this crazy world leaves me terrified
trying so hard not go out of my mind

scared of the truth, cause maybe it just lies
im dying to keep the warmth that engulfs me inside
but my heart and my trust has been completely destroyed

im gonna keep it together, i’ll search for any sign
that what i am doing is completely alright
the future is unknown, but i cant lose sight
must always recall of.my beauty and light

God, please help me to reclaim all that I’ve lost, and all that I need. Show me the truth and the truth I shall heed. Amen.

heres when the tedious school work ACTUALLY begins.

move those brain waves
ignite the awakening
spark up get those gears grindin
yeah, she grindin’ away

her hustle has been on point
now shes dying to prove a point
she know its do or die
but thats her choice

its time to be a big girl now
focus on pleasing even the tougher crowd
if they ever laugh in my face ..
well, i was laughin first and i’ll be laughing last too.

ride

can we do that again sometime
where we fall to the stars and touch the sky
the citizens watched with utter delight
counting clouds and running  through the traffic lights
somehow on the ground but im seeing from somewhere high
my feet in the air, im floating, hovering, wait,
levitating

ive never felt such exhilerating heights
how was that the most adrenaline and fun ive experienced quite possibly ever.

in this scary world id want nothing than for us to be best friends, work eachother towards our goals nobody else could ever understand, empower, laughter, fucking madness completely perfectly intertwined thus connecting a large piece of the puzzle we both yearn to finish.
i know you. i know you because i am that as well. the chaos and madness and pleasure of it all. my little reality i thought was my own but indeed i have found another inhabitant.

i cant wait.

lets be fearless and do something …. well, maybe we should keep it a secret. 😉

to my concerned mom.

i mean, i love you ma, and everything
but im gonna do and be whatever the fuck i wanna do and be.
quit bitching at me, see
this is how i do my thing
fighting off Satan
the demons within, it seems
this pulls me closer and closer
to my wildest dreams…

i know im your kid but dont be so quick to judge.
i have my reasons.
we all do, dont we ?
fuck, my hearts racing
slow down please
ive been sitting on storm clouds
and watching lightening
perhaps my heart got a head start
and now its ahead of all the other parts

anyways, ive had a weird past two days
so wicked and vile yet lovely as always
How do I feel so dirty but Holy
the Devil himself is coursing through my veins
Whatever happens next, Im not taking the blame
They want to see a death, they tryna end whats left of me…

it really is, a revolution

“The pornography made me do it
So those drugs that got us high
Was the thoughts of revolution
They’ve been poisoning my mind
So i’ll walk you down into the water
But you keep coming up for air
All those people, they don’t give a damn
They just stood around and stared
And i said,
Love will save the day”

“were talking about a society in which will lead no roles
other than those earned
or those chosen
were really talking, about humanism.”

This is a song by David Usher that I have forgotten about for a little while. The lyrics move me in a way that makes me feel some type of faith and hope and  goodness in myself. and my dreams.

I want and need everyone to know that they are capable of love, no matter who you are. I like to match my beliefs with the Disneys famous tale of Beauty and the Beast.

Love is life. Love is divine, love is so damm good that it makes you high. Literally. Im often high on life through Love.

Throw ego, pride, resentment, doubt and fear straight out the window !
Never close yourself off from Love. It at least for me gives my entire world meaning. it completes me, and its far from rational but I just know that Love is not something anyone should treat as a battle.

embrace it, master it, cherish it and conquer it.

its heaven.

so lets let our hearts be the leader. the mind isnt always all that attractive…

so anyways I really just want people out there to know that you should always embrace love rather than make the mistake of refusal which wont do any good. If Belle was able to teach love and love a Beast then anyone can. Love, that is. Not saying anyones a beast. But people make it so much more complex than it needs to be.

when theres nothing left to give just keep giving love. I dont care who you are, we all want to be loved, cared for, and cured of our loneliness.

But thats just me, im made up of love entirely, but no I take that back cause thats a lie.
I think love is able to cure monstrous demons that live inside each and every one of us.

And sometimes you have to lose someone to see the whole picture.

i never knew this pain would bring me such quick insight and growth from a lesson

id never forgive myself if i never tried

so try try try keep trying, its all about trial and error but embrace error as it teaches you and helps you. any glimmer in your soul that tells you to do so I think should not be ignored.

But let go of the fact that you dont know what the outcome will be.
pray for the best but prepare for the worst they say.

read your bible too, gosh darnit

Praise God for the Gift of Love.

God is pretty awesome.

♡

love thyself

it was strange in a way how so many writings and scriptures and stories all fascinated her to the point where  she could have sworn she was a character in that very literature – then, and now.

she related to almost everything, feeling like the universe was ONE, and that the world as we know it is designed and intertwined like a big ball of yarn. all connected, but if unwoven, turns to one, long, seemingly endless thread – string – rope- whatever you prefer.

i remember days where it freaked her right out. all the surreal moments made her heart race to the point where she had to focus on regulating the beats of her very best organ. maybe if she knew one day she’d look back at what now seems like a mere dream, it wouldnt scare the living daylights out of her. she would have treated it like the very art of surrealism that it was – that to this day she is mysteriously drawn to. and now she knows why. because her life was a good one, a fairytale at best, and  nightmare at worst. it was surreal, nothing short of a movie.

treat your life as if it were magic. and believe in it. make magic your reality and youll be pleasantly surprised at how much more fun, meaningful, and exciting everything gets. once you master the magic its hard to be unhappy. you will walk around, in public, going about your day, constantly talking out loud your silly thoughts and then laughing at them – at least this is what sparks joy for me. coming off completely mental  to any outside spectators – yet they dont realize i probably have it more together than most of those poor souls conforming to what society pushes as ‘normal’, and i think you have to sort of lose your mind a bit to find happiness within yourself. and i know people found it refreshing to see a young adult i guess different, cheerful, loving, goofy, non chalant and pretty damn coocoo if you ask me, yet so intelligent, insightful and bright, she could do any damn thing she pleased in life.

those who hated on her or thought she was weird, were the ones who wished they could be like that. so careless, free, and beautiful. she was damn well blessed and she knew it. they knew it. and it compelled her to play a little game for herself everywhere, when anyone who did not give in to her light and joy, she simply HAD to shine even brighter so they succumbed, gave in, and loved her.

because she thrived off of love. and maybe that was what made her evil. was the jar of hearts she unknowingly, or sometimes knowingly even, she kept for keepsake. but bloody hell, someone who spreads love so carelessly is so hard to come by these days, she didnt realize how fucking rare of a species she was. and thats what broke her, was being let down time and time again, her heart and her love always unmatched. either that or she was vain, not looking hard enough, or repeating the same mistake of always looking in the wrong place.

she still gets confidence and conceited mixed up all the time and she shouldnt. she knew she had flaws, in fact she had many, she was after all, human. she just hid them well, i guess.

she sought the answers to everything she couldnt understand and then she understood why curiosity killed the cat. the more she sought the more she realized i dont belong here

darkness rose her up to believe she had found something great, whether a home or a family, all to just tear it all back down and hope she suffered. but this time, she refused. she made it her choice to stay humble, knowing all the tears of her past always get stitched back together. 

maybe home is a state of mind.
i hope i can hold on to that state of mind and not lose it this time.

emptying out my brain

lucky number seven ?
but i see things in threes.
i didnt comprehend it
i asked him what he means.

i never got an answer
it wasnt any need
i had to live and learn
and grow up painfully

i died, only brain dead
my life flashes in front of me
they knelt and lit a candle
and prayed so urgently

analyzing vision
perhaps the order was not right.
maybe i had three chances
but fucked it up in spite

God has a plan
so why am i so compelled to force
something I dont understand
cause the mind plays tricks when the heart is begging to mend.

maybe i should work on manifesting
the life i claim to seek
everything is always, after all,
mysteriously created and thrown back at me.

a wise man chooses silence
but the wiser choose to speak.
i’d rather fight for what i want
than to let things just be.

i used to feel so foolish
but its better to have loved
than to never love at all.
how can we go back south ?

i guess i wasnt kidding
when i said i was doing some travelling.
a racing clockwork mind
is a paradox of time

so much crazy shit
my unsettling mind came up with
whether its real, imagined, or fantasy
its more than i’ll ever admit.

my lifes is one big parade
a giant mess of masked charades
far from normal and just an inch from insane
so twisted in a childish way

why do i continue ejecting myself
onto this path of confusion
where nothing is certain not even the promise of change
God, allow me to let go of my fearful ways

i’ll join in the circus just to step up
id rather be enslaved and finally tamed
to sit on our porch under hot sunny rays
to live life fully by living in simple ways

to plant our own garden and watch our food grow
to bake pies and eat ice cream until we’re sickly full
to decorate the yard in tacky pink flamingos
or drink wine and beer in a mobile home

and in the distance there are laughs
im not stupid for wanting the past
maybe if my hope and faith were a tad stronger
i could have believed in something that lasts

but i think the game of trivia is unfair
of thrones, of suits, and all that is there
when youre alone and playing for two
battlefields and warzones, in which i dont care.

God urges me to do so.
to carry on and not to be scared.
there may be no one beside me as i walk, but
maybe i must allow Jesus to pick me up.

so the waves of this endless ocean
crash onto shore of the hourglass
the sands of time are shifting
morphing into a perfect paradise.

but as broken as human souls may be,
we’ll never get there unless we trust Him and love continuously
without shame into the next galaxy
then maybe we’ll finally graduate from this .

called Life.

encouragement best explained

so

whats it gonna be?

running in fields of ecstasy?

high green blades of grass

wishing on the feathers of dandelions

a feeling you once knew

a fleeting escape your soul creates fast

look on the bright side

your hearts still beating to fight

to keep it together

yeah, i got it all together

emotions opposite of the weather

maybe thats what we need.

a lover at the other end of the spectrum

how else will you conquer balance ?

and balance, we need

so desperately

to keep all things

humanity, society, some part of me

at peace.

so whats it gonna be ?

are you yet realizing ?

 

the yin and the yang aint just some decorative thang.

oh how i love the flow of the words stuck in my brain

in fact, missing

but the glass house seeks to destroy the lost and retained

a window,  a screen, a sliver piercing our feet

they couldnt help it

and so the apple they eat

but i dont mind giving away my fruit

and my pieces of loot

after all, i am nothing without all of you.

and you can steal a little bit of my spark

to light up your ghostly existance, self, dark

but i wish not to break yet another heart

am i fool and just causing more harm?

can i be happy, comfortable, and stable yet ?

karma holds no more debt

although free, i am set

to sit, stop and rest

and give up the trials and tests

i just want something, something for nothing

 

… woops ! this is supposed to be encouraging.

so to all those who are out there in the battlefield

i want you to remember that love is your shield.

and when youre broke and cant get up

dust yourself off and dont give up.

cause light is brighter than the dark.

know your purpose and your worth.

 

you may never go to some university

but trust me

the warmth you carry around,

your smile as you walk around

your mysterious aura

your beauty leaving others astound

such angelic ways you should wear a crown

touching lives of those who always frown

honey, dont be so down

blood may not be but God is proud.

 

 

just do what drives you to be happy in upside down town.

which is being happy. so be happy. and youll simply be happy.