i dont know what to think anymore
devil on my shoulder telling me youre a demon who was meant to tear me the fuck apart
and then my heart reminding me of the times the odds were stacked against us but fate fought for us
i want to believe my psychosis
that my soul worked hard to defeat what we lost
but im giving it my all
while you cant seem to keep even just a simple promise
so tell me
do i let it go ?
Here comes the part
Where I break my own heart
I look into your eyes
And they just dont seem to shine
So here comes the end
Even though this was just the start
I’ll push you away
So fucking far
I’ll break you apart before I fall too deep into love
Us… This… Whatever this is…
I really thought I could trust
But im building my wall back up.
I cant look into your eyes
Theyre just too deep
No one was ever able to
See right through me
Afraid but I am pleased
I dont remember a time
Where my own eyes
My own eyes, couldnt tease
What are you trying to do
Proclaiming your power
And I thought I was alone
A sole lonely flower
And so I take a deep breath
Take down my wall
You express sincere interest
And im not afraid to fall.
You are so refreshing.
I want to know your soul…..
I know whatever goes around comes right back around
sometimes it slaps you hard
Leaving its mark plain on your face
Or at times it swirls by in the wind
Barely leaving behind any trace
“Everybody gets what they deserve”.
Maybe the cards weve been dealt
Arent so ‘wild’ .
Perhaps our past lives
Or even great achievements in this one
Manifests into the quality of life we have now.
Ive paid my karmic debt.
I hate what feels like a curse
I never wanted anyone getting hurt.
“Queen of Hearts”
The people finally took them back.
I wasnt trying to show off a collection.
I wasnt trying to capture and crush them underneath on the snowy cold pavement.
But that it what i did, 5 years ago, everywhere i went, by simply being just me.
I paid my debt.
It destroyed me in the process.
And the destruction still lingers.
When night falls and im alone with these words
Im also alone with you.
After all these attempts
Replacements, bandaids, distractions
It has been months after all.
I guess i’ll just be happy
Pretending these words are your own.
———————–
Let us be free from the infinite loop of karma.
Those whose intentions
Never was meant to do any harm
And whose intentions have and will always be none other than good.
I do not wish to be untouchable by karma
But why should i suffer when all i ever wanted to do was be myself and help ?
I used to feel bad.
But i cant change my blueprint.
And i shouldnt be punished for that
Or simply dont let it accumulate.
That debt really sort of fucked me up.
I find it kind of funny
How
All your life
Youve searched
For something
Something that feels like home.
You search far and wide
High and low
Broad and far
Friends and foes
And its funny
How everything youve ever wanted
HOME.
has been…
Right under your nose.
All along
Years and years
A decade
With nothing but fears
Tears
And then its.clear
Why havent you acknowledged
Your very own
The one
Youve been dreaming of
Your best friend
But….
Lover ?
I couldnt comprehend
Until fate came to its end
Showed us the way
To our happy end
Is it true
Do you love
Me like
Through it all
Thick and thin
Good and bad
Black and white
Dark and light
But fear and fright
Took over
But only the strongest
Can conquer
So what will it be?
You and me?
Do you love me?
Even when im funny ?
The drugs and the phoney ?
That you know it aint me ?
You see right through me
I see all perspectives
My eye and your perseverance
Your fears and my
Immaturity
But one day
Can you promise me?
It will be you and me
Your darkness
And mine
And our light
Perfectly unite
Peace and love
Tonight
Im sorry
Im high
This is me
Accept
The depth
Of the chemical death
I pour unto myself
For my creative health
But now you seem to know
I dont need no help
Why am i writing
About this
Were just friends
Right ?
You created this
A crisis
Dont break this
A heart already
Full of mistrust
Do you know
The life ive lived
Sadness, sorrow,
Lows and Lifts
Are you home
Or
Is this
Just another
Illusion
Another
Let down
Dont
Make me
Feel
Like
Another
Clown
Frown
Our crowns
We can wear
And together
We can be forever
Young.
Never
Grow old
Again
Drink from the fountain of youth
Well, i’ll take you there.
But we both know where it is
Dont we?
You surprised me.tonight.
Please dont leave me
In this life.
My best friend
My other half
My honest sight
You tell me
Bluntly
Truth
And
Honesty
Honestly
I choose
I choose
You.
And
I always.sort of have.
Thank you for all these years
By my side
Thick and thin
Bad
Good
Ugly
And terrifying
Moments of life
Death
Revive
Are you the last
Contestant
Of
The game
Show
Of my
Life?
I love you.
More than anything
And anyone
Whos ever made appearences
In my show
My game of fun
Selfishness
Lame and dumb
I think to myself
He must prove
The love
The real
He fell
I cant tell
His heart
It doesnt swell
Does it ?
Like the others
“Oh, shes a special one
Colorful and care free
Fearless and full.of fire
That even her lies are pretty
Pretty as hell
Its just what she does.
Takes hearts
Steals souls
Theyll remember
Her name
Its cold
Say it
Aloud
Do you miss me
Are you proud
Is this what you wanted
And now
I am just another face
In another crowd
No
It wont be allowed.
After a decade
Far too long
You cant walk away
Dont mark my name
Into the clouds
To fly away
With the wind
Gone
Astray
Am i high?
Off of artificial
Fake ass compounds
Oh, id love to be yours
I dont know when
Perhaps not know
But in 10 years
10 years.from now
When im dead
Dead and.gone
Remember me
For
I am
A ghost
Lost
In
A busy
Downtown
Crowd
Faces
Not
Recognizable
Bodies
Without a soul
Are you my enemy
Or are you the unity
In which my body
And heart
Which has turned
Black, Dark
Skulls
Girls
Colors
Love
Circles
Smiles
People
Vibes
Chemicals
Realities
Imagination
Day dreams
Do you think you know me ?
Take a second guess.
My mind is a never ending
Cloudy
And sad abyss
Oh, you love me
But you dont know any of this
Im happy
Life is bliss
Lacking
Voids
And fulfillness
Take my hand
Grab your rocket ship
Lets.leave
Leaving for venus
Its you
Its me
Us
Trust
Unity
Friendship
Love
Imagination
Creation
And youthfulness
Together
Forever young
Lets.leave this.all behind
And move.up on the spectrum
Momentum
Universal
Physical
Ascension
Pardon me
For grammar errors
Mispelling
Of this whole letter
Remember
“These words are my heart and soul”
You seek attentiion ?
Well heres your satisfaction.
Important information.
Logical realization.
No, wait.
Nothing in this world is
Nothing but fiction
Fixation
What we dont know
Interesting
Human beings
Alienation
Extinction
History repeating
Over and over
Rotation
Power
Regardless
Its balance
Black
White
Without this
It would be
Dull
Grey
And without life.
Think before you fight.
Without darkness
There is no light.
Without confidence
There is no fright
Without sadness
There is no happiness
Smiles
Bright
Spreading
Amazing
Skies that are bright
Without daylight
There is no night
Without wrong
There is no right
No sun
No moon
Just dust
Dusk
Unconscious
Dead
Without black
There is no life.
Without death
There is no life.
Live your life.
Be who you want.
I wont waste my life being a color.
A shade
A front
I am me
You are you
We shall be
Perfect
In unity.
MY MIND DOESNT STOP
TALKING TO ME.
Hi !!! Good night.
Youre weird
Im weird too
We can live.forever young
Forever fools
Like children
If we want to.
I love you
I hate when i cant listen to all my favorite love songs
Because im dealing with a broken heart.
Who will be next to take it all away?
Man, i made a huge fucking mistake.
“Strikes me kinda funny, the way the tables turned. Cause now its you whos sweatin’ and its me whos not concerned.”
😦
Oh here we go all over again
Round two with a broken heart
I’ll be okay though
I always think its the end when its only just a new start
The universe hates to see me happy
Loves to fuck things up for me
I cant wait to see what it has in store
In store for me, round three.
Cause my life’s a movie.
Gotta keep my head up.
It seems as though my wings have been peeled off my back.
It seems as though the love, kindness and compassion i once held
I now lack.
It seems as though the universe brought me to many great places and gave me many great gifts
Just to take them all back.
It seems as though my duties on this earth i no longer can hack.
It seems as though i was on an amazing path but now ive lost track.
My heart once full of fire has turned to ashes, turned black.
I cant stop soaring please give me my wings back.
It seems my life has been nothing but a trap.
You can shower me with gifts
Even alcohol is nice
But i know that in the end
Its me whos paying the price
I cant have karma
Haunt me again
Even though wrongdoings
Was never my intention
I got all your attention
Your money is so tremendous
You know my time is so precious
I dont know how to end this
Cause im sorry love
But my love for him seems endless
Why should i wait around until i fucking figure out what went wrong?
Why should i keep second guessing myself?
Why should i waste my time wondering if i said or did something
And that it was all my fault?
Why should i have to get high
Just to find the answers why?
Not sure if im being paranoid or actually gaining insight?
Im done with this fucking bullshit
Pretty soon i will demand for the answers.
And you WILL give them to me.
And i will call you out on any bullshit fucking excuse you try to play.
Sometime soon, one day.
ice cold glass dreams 