Isnt it funny?

I find it kind of funny
How
All your life
Youve searched
For something
Something that feels like home.

You search far and wide
High and low
Broad and far
Friends and foes

And its funny
How everything youve ever wanted
HOME.
has been…
Right under your nose.
All along
Years and years
A decade
With nothing but fears
Tears
And then its.clear

Why havent you acknowledged
Your very own
The one
Youve been dreaming of
Your best friend
But….
Lover ?
I couldnt comprehend
Until fate came to its end
Showed us the way
To our happy end

Is it true
Do you love
Me like
Through it all
Thick and thin
Good and bad
Black and white
Dark and light
But fear and fright
Took over
But only the strongest
Can conquer

So what will it be?
You and me?
Do you love me?
Even when im funny ?
The drugs and the phoney ?
That you know it aint me ?

You see right through me
I see all perspectives
My eye and your perseverance
Your fears and my
Immaturity
But one day
Can you promise me?

It will be you and me
Your darkness
And mine
And our light
Perfectly unite
Peace and love
Tonight

Im sorry
Im high
This is me
Accept
The depth
Of the chemical death
I pour unto myself
For my creative health
But now you seem to know
I dont need  no help

Why am i writing
About this
Were just friends
Right ?
You created this
A crisis
Dont break this
A heart already
Full of mistrust

Do you know
The life ive lived
Sadness, sorrow,
Lows and Lifts

Are you home
Or
Is this
Just another
Illusion
Another
Let down
Dont
Make me
Feel
Like
Another
Clown
Frown
Our crowns
We can wear
And together
We can be forever
Young.

Never
Grow old
Again
Drink from the fountain of youth
Well, i’ll take you there.

But we both know where it is
Dont we?

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You surprised me.tonight.
Please dont leave me
In this life.
My best friend
My other half
My honest sight
You tell me
Bluntly
Truth
And
Honesty
Honestly
I choose
I choose
You.

And
I always.sort of have.

Thank you for all these years
By my side
Thick and thin
Bad
Good
Ugly
And terrifying
Moments of life
Death
Revive

Are you the last
Contestant
Of
The game
Show
Of my
Life?

I love you.

More than anything
And anyone
Whos ever made appearences
In my show
My game of fun
Selfishness
Lame and dumb

I think to myself
He must prove
The love
The real
He fell
I cant tell
His heart
It doesnt swell
Does it ?

Like the others
“Oh, shes a special one
Colorful and care free
Fearless and full.of fire
That even her lies are pretty
Pretty as hell
Its just what she does.

Takes hearts
Steals souls
Theyll remember
Her name
Its cold
Say it
Aloud
Do you miss me
Are you proud
Is this what you wanted
And now
I am just another face
In another crowd

No
It wont be allowed.
After a decade
Far too long
You cant walk away
Dont mark my name
Into the clouds
To fly away
With the wind
Gone
Astray
Am i high?
Off of artificial
Fake ass compounds

Oh, id love to be yours
I dont know when
Perhaps not know
But in 10 years
10 years.from now
When im dead
Dead and.gone
Remember me

For
I am
A ghost
Lost
In
A busy
Downtown
Crowd

Faces
Not
Recognizable
Bodies
Without a soul

Are you my enemy
Or are you the unity
In which my body
And heart
Which has turned
Black, Dark

Skulls
Girls
Colors
Love
Circles
Smiles
People
Vibes
Chemicals
Realities
Imagination
Day dreams

Do you think you know me ?

Take a second guess.
My mind is a never ending
Cloudy
And sad abyss

Oh, you love me
But you dont know any of this
Im happy
Life is bliss

Lacking
Voids
And fulfillness

Take my hand
Grab your rocket ship
Lets.leave
Leaving for venus
Its you
Its me
Us
Trust
Unity
Friendship
Love
Imagination
Creation
And youthfulness

Together
Forever young
Lets.leave this.all behind
And move.up on the spectrum
Momentum
Universal
Physical
Ascension

Pardon me
For grammar errors
Mispelling
Of this whole letter
Remember
“These words are my heart and soul”
You seek attentiion ?
Well heres your satisfaction.

Important information.
Logical realization.
No, wait.
Nothing in this world is
Nothing but fiction
Fixation

What we dont know
Interesting
Human beings
Alienation
Extinction
History repeating
Over and over
Rotation
Power

Regardless

Its balance
Black
White

Without this
It would be
Dull
Grey
And without life.
Think before you fight.
Without darkness
There is no light.

Without confidence
There is no fright

Without sadness
There is no happiness
Smiles
Bright
Spreading
Amazing
Skies that are bright

Without daylight
There is no night

Without wrong
There is no right

No sun
No moon
Just dust
Dusk
Unconscious
Dead

Without black
There is no life.

Without death
There is no life.

Live your life.
Be who you want.

I wont waste my life being a color.
A shade
A front

I am me

You are you

We shall be

Perfect

In unity.

MY MIND DOESNT STOP
TALKING TO ME.

Hi !!! Good night.

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Youre weird
Im weird too
We can live.forever young
Forever fools
Like children
If we want to.

I love you

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Dear (B)M.B.M. in rememberence of an angel

I remember the first day we met
Our first conversation.
It was something so silly that youd never think two total strangers would talk about.
Oh i remember. Lube !
You were so funny and such a joy. I really took a liking to you. I was comfortable with you and enjoyed your company and your soft gentle voice.
We left and i begged them for us to go back to where you were at. I missed you already and it had been less than a day. Perhaps less than a few hours. But i asked and asked for us to go back or to go get you. Whichever one. I dont remember exactly.

I fell in love with you fast and hard the week we spent at the beach. We layed together and just laughed and talked and god, i loved your stories. I loved dressing up as wonder woman for you. I love how wonder woman was your first love or crush or whatever it was when you were younger. I loved how in sync we were with our silly little quirks and jokes and laughter. I love how you cared.

You brought me a sandwich. You cared about what i had drawn. All night, all day, we talked and laughed and you were there for me when i went into my usual state of craziness. You gave me a puke bucket. You cleaned it out for me even. You laced up my boots. You snook a peak but never asked or tried for more.

We went on an adventure. Back then i was beautiful in a black dress that draped over my thin body. You thought i was beautiful and i knew you did. We walked the streets downtown and i chased the ducks at the pond. I was like a child. You saw that. You loved it – my innocence and young heart. I knew you did and felt that you did. I felt you watch from afar. That night the porch were full of creepy crawlies which i knew you didnt like from your story you told on the front porch at the house. You hated them. I loved that about you. You were a man, but with fears that really touched me. I dont know – something about it, a unique fear for a man such as yourself. What man admits that anyways ? Your honesty and genuineness never failed to cause me to grow more and more infatuated with you.

You asked me if i was okay. I did the same. With everybody. I want and need everyone to be okay – others happy makes me happy and you and i would never want anyone to be any less than that. Perhaps its cause we knew what sadness and being lost in a world in which we found to be rather strange, felt like. B, we got eachother. We understood eachothers feelings and cared about eachothers feelings but not only that, but others’ as well. Although you were far more wise and experienced so unlike me who was naive at the time, you knew when to stand your ground.

I called you on your birthday. You werent doing anything special as you should have been. I mean after all, you deserved the world. Instead we got together. I dont remember what we did that night and day. Talked ? Cleaned the old mans room ? You were so caring and always took care of others before yourself. Maybe thats why you were always on the go. You had things to do and people to help. Were you running from me? Or waiting for me …. because…. i was waiting for you. But i never ran. I guess i never experienced that type of trauma which makes you run. Run from love. Why do we do it? I dont do it. I want love so bad that when i love i love deeply and with my whole heart and soul and…. i have trust issues but… whats the point of love if fear always gets in the way of it ? That is, of anything real.

I end it here. I end the fear. Fear of love and fear of being real. Real love should not be destroyed. It should be raised up and conquer. If two are perfect for eachother then they should be together. FUCK fear of getting hurt. What will happen if you never do anything about a situation like so all because of some stupid little worry. Then youll never know. And that, that is truly heart breaking. Missing out because of being scared of something that would never ever happen – because true love does exist and never dies.

I regret never kissing you. I regret some of the things i said. I regret all the things we could and should have been. I regret not experiencing something greater than what we already were. You, you made me so fucking happy. You called me everyday just to check up and ask if i was alright. You asked what i was up to. You told me you missed me. You came over lots to wake me up. You bounced on the bed like it were christmas morning.; You made me feel beautiful. We smoked a cigarette under the covers. You showed me songs and signs and all kinds of things. You showed me how it felt to be in love. Running to the phone when youd call more excited than a 5 year old on their birthday or any holiday really
You were my holiday
You were my everything
You were my B
Everything i did and drew – was from my soul as i thought of you.

Im so sorry. So fucking sorry i didnt show more of my real feelings or affection but it was at the wrong time at the wrong plaace and everything was fucked but not only that, i remember what you said that night.

Love is not sex. I mean you could love sex and stuff but its not real.
Real love is laying all night staring into space and sharing stories. It is absolutely missing them during their abscense. It is wanting nothing more than their company. It is when every song reminds you of them. It is when you feel like a child again. And can be one. Together.

I wish i kissed you. Id do anything to go back and kiss you. I was scared too. I really didnt know what you wanted. I mean i did but you kept running. Was i supposed to kiss you ? Or would it have ended things on your part. I didnt know if kissing was included with what you had said about what makes you stop loving a girl.

My feelings for you were more than anything id ever felt about anyone and it was beyond anything physical.
I wish i could read that book again. I couldnt believe my eyes. I mean i could… it was just… incredible. Ive written and written pages of bullshit over guys who never gave a fuck about me. But you… you had pages and pages written about me and ….. i fucking miss you. Im sorry. I love you. Perhaps we were too similar to go further than where we got. You helped me in so many ways and i hope i did too somehow. Perhaps that in a cruel scary world, innocence and kindness still exists. You know, thats why i loved you. After all those years you never changed and lost your dignity or soul. Im never going to change either. B, i will fight the rest of the demons and im doing it for you.
You couldnt trust me cause you couldnt trust anyone. I understand that now. Sometimes the universe is a dark place and leads us to shadows. But people like you and i make it brighter – by putting a smile on peoples face. Genuine kindness. Soul and heart full of love. Nothing can ever take that away from us. They talk and they talk and they fuck with us and raise us high to crash us down. But our goods will always remain. They shall never be stolen. We shall always be happy and fulll of love life and light.

Youre not gone. You have your wings. I have yet another angel to protect me. You always already did though. But now you will in a different way. I hope you can see past all my newly aqcuired flaws. But; thanks for showing me so many things and thanks for  all the memories – even when you ran away probably cause my anxiety was too much bad energy for you. Ha. I know how to channel it though now. At least in this harsh world.; I know what to do. Im learning everytime.

“When you go
Just know that i
Will remember you.
If living was the hardest part
We’ll then one day
Be together.
And then i’ll be with you
I will be there one last time”

Ps. Thanks for being the handsome handyman you always were.
Thanks for everytime you showed concern
Thanks for being you
You were and will always be an angel
So fly
You shined
But now you shine even brighter

Because after all, stars are blind.

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The change is now
Let this place
Be free of chaos
Hatred
Lies
Deceit
And war.

Please.

Im not sure i can create world peace everywhere but…. at least here.
Where it matters.
Where for whatever reason
Are the people i care most about

Strange in a way
We were just an angel away
No more running
We showed our colors
I came i saw i conquered
But all i really wanted was to compromise
You saw through my eyes
Didnt you ?

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All that has been lost
Now remains
Drink from the fountain of youth
And never age again
Jump across every cloud
Fly away

I wish i knew back then what i knew now.
You could have taught me so much.

Its okay though
Because you did

My love for you will last thousands and thousands of years.

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Please. Its all i want…

“You dont belong here”.
She said.

“Youre welcome”
I said.

But her words
Echoed so loud

That her heart shattered
Into a million pieces.

Perhaps i dont.
But just remember.
I dont need you. None of you.

But many of you could sure as hell use me.

Cant fix everyone.
Once in a while,
You will break.

Heart so heavy
But why ? They are just words

Its a cruel world out there
Be prepared.

And cherish the special ones.
The special people.
The special moments.
The special events
Completed.

But forever
Her words
Will make me think
And have me wonder.

Perhaps simply because i want to belong.

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