the death and destruction of mind, body, and soul 

​i want to apologize in advance for any misspelled words, lack of or incorrect grammar, to put it simply, poor writing skills.

Psychotic, robotic and disintegrating. – my mind, my body and my soul, during a time I can only describe as dark,confusing, and surreal.

i had been on a path of spiritual ascension and awakening for at least a good year .. During this time, countless events took place that shaped my beliefs, transforned my mental and physical health positively, provided me a great sense of understanding the unfortunate life events I endured, the lessons learned, acquiring more knowledge and sharing it as well as the phenomenal and paranormal events associated with spiritual ttansformation became an exciting new priority. There was no literature, no adventure nor human interaction that failed to be relevant, interesting or life changing.

My life finally had meaning . I was once stuck in an abyss of lack of motivation, interest and happiness, I couldn’t understand why my life was on a path that, from a viewers standpoint 

can be seen as destructive, lazy, and lacking in morality – 20 years old, no job, high school drop out spending her days on a road to absolute nothingness.

I guess I was just doing some of my usual casual internet reading when a topic sparked my interest and it was as if this article was speaking directly to ME in what I had at first perceived to be extremely eerie. I furthered my reading and I remember sitting against the wall when I began crying, an overflow of tears caused by many mixed emotions. I had no idea what this meant and what was in store for the rest of my days – once repetitive, meaningless and emotionally numb, now fulfilled with amazement, curiosity, and an extreme sense of wonder. A hunger to learn more and more washed over me. As I continued to expand my knowledge on the topic I finally found this whole ordeal to be – spiritual transformation – phenomena and unusual occurrences began to take place. Anyone on this path knows what I’m talking about. Those not so coincidental things that send shivers dlwn your spine, or make you feel as if the world and your surroundings are not even real.

I rarely went out during this time of my life due to my anti social manner andsevere anxiety, unaware this was key to spiritual transformation. And so once I started and discovered this realm of what seemed like an unworldly, surreal, sometimes frightening as hell, what felt like death was around the corner and sometimes imaginative, challenging but fun, once I got the hang of channeling anxieties and fears into humorous, uplifting thoughts or beliefs of myself, including my capabilities and my duties I after some time finally identified.

By the constant output and demonstrations of love and kindness,I was able to turn around or escape many hostile or even evil situations, spark changes or even healings in a number of lives, which caused immense emotional satisfaction. My life was far from one of the social norm, family relationships were lacking but my calling to serve my purpose to transform and teach was not one I wished to dismiss. Being the black sheep middle child of the family, this level of rebellious behaviors, including being away for weeks or months at a time, jumping ftom place to place wherever my journey would take me, and my ability became effortless, automatic, as if I were doing exactly what was meant fkr me to do at that time. I felt blessed to be lead by something greater than me although unseen and unheard, the sense of knowing that my spirit was under constant protection even in the most demonic environmen, that I had guidance and purpose too great to put into words…. Looking back it seems like something out of a movie, novel or dream.

The climax of these events came to an end and my focus moved towards drawing, poetry, and then finally turned to an technology and internet stuff like data and other crap I’m not sure if I even understood or if I was completely out of my mind. But I could have sworn I was up to something, although it was career or profit driven mostly from what I remember.

I believe I mentioned this took place in a year but my recalculation imposes a course of three or four years – starting with immense fear of the unknown, mystical and supernatural events, more fear, isolation, then magically an explanation for it all, leading to actively participating in this newfound… What would I call it ? Hobby? Way of life ? Or what felt like at times even, a wat between good and evil, dark and light, heaven and hell.

When I moved jb with my boyfriend, all the fairy tales came to a halt. We fueled each others alcoholism, he was a mean drunk and I plunged into a world of never ending drinking, booze, self hatred, and then took on a whole new extreme when I entered a world of extreme psychosis that lasted weeks.. I believed I was on my death bed. My life consisted of terrible hallucinations, straight fucked up delusions, inability to sleep due to nightmares so severe and so real every night I swear I was killed. So I became dependent on this guy I called my boyfriend, I could no longer sleep alone or get out of bed unless it was to drink or sometimes I would eat but then I quit that altogether too due to harsh criticism from him.

One day during one of his outbursts of rage, he trashdd the place we were staying at  destroying most of my things and whatever else he could reach. So we quickly moved out, slept on the street for a few days before spontaneously hopping on a flight to Montreal, all the while still in a deep psychosis, believing the sun was about to reach earth and burn it whole, while an Apocalypse underwent in the meantime – I believed there was little to no food available and human meat was now being served everywhere. In such a state of extreme feari didn’t care where I went as long as I didn’t leave his, sometimes loving side.

Now, seven months later, here I am, writing again with that natural flow of thoughts and words I so badly missed all this time but every time I tried to create, even just a short poem, no thoughts or ideas would come, any content had to be forced and lacked any depth, talent, or even mere interest in that sole moment. 

My spiritual growth not only ceased to continue, but it seems as if a death occurred altogether. I became the very Hunan being I once could not stand. I was racist and sometimes mean, judgemental  materialistic, sometimes my ego was enormous while other times it was completely destroyed by my partners negative insults and comments, the thin and beautiful French Montreal girls partying everywhere with seemingly perfect lives didn’t help my extreme low self esteem. I starved myself for months while drinking everyday, needing alcohol to function physically. I would get blacked out drunk and go around this stranger city shoplifting any chance I got. Anything, anywhere, to serve as the very little excitement and self gratification I had the capacity to feel at that time. Suicidal, empty and often angry, I went to jail a handful of times due to charges of mischief, theft and assaulting my THEN piece of shit boyfriend with a lamp to his face.

My reality while living in Montreal could be described as empty, emotionless, like my soul had been destroyed. I can’t put the feelings into words.. I either felt like I was on the brink of death, or I was in some afterlife as a ghost. Even visually, lighting seemed bright and dream-like. Like it were the final moments of my life in the dream state right before you fully check out of life. I was destroyed spiritually, mentally, and physically was on its tail end as well, so severely that I bled. Everyday. Out of everywhere. But alcohol, and getting dressed up to go stealing was my one and only pleasure. I couldn’t even stand sex anymore or anything to do with the infividual that moulded me into this disgusting, dying human being. I guess it was a blessing in disguise when I was arrested for shoplifting and got put in a jail hospital claiming I was mentally ill. Which I totally was, just not how they perceived me to be, which was schizophrenic and hearing voices telling me to do things – which I actually did have at times but not at the time of my blacked out stealing. I thought this hospital would beat jail, and I also thought I’d have to serve less time if deemed mentally handicapped at the time of my arrest. So I put my best acting skills to use, furthering my delusional belief that certain individuals in Montreal are simply just actors and not actually credentialed whatsoever for whatever position they pretended to hold. Either that, or the very good looking applicants get hired to sit there and look pretty and aid in the decline of every girls self image in hopes that girl attempts to better herself physically so that Montreal will rank one of the top cities for physical attractiveness, needed due to the mere fact that almost everyone just went out acting all day in public while getting paid to do so. Sort of like a fake city consisting widely of fake personalities, but Why, you may ask? Oh my delusional mind came up with many reasons. One was that the best actors get hand picked and shipped off to L.A. to become the next batch of celebrities. I genuinely thought that Montreal was the Canadian portal fot aspiring movie stars, and dialogue heard anywhere was mere researsed from a script. I mean, there really was two distinct groups of people amongst the Montreal population. One was the televisiin-like perfectly happy and upbeat, well dressed all in high end brands men, usually almost always accompanied by a crew of swooning bubbly models or porn star or something equally as flawless, sporting fashion only bodies in tip top shape could pull off. Here I was, running through crowds of rich and beautiful French people in gross second hand baggy pants and mediocre blouses, sporting a baseball cap, with the  set on believing I was simply a business woman getting off work rushing to meet her husband at work. So that they could drink the tips he made all away.

I couldn’t keep a job in such a state of health. Most interviews I had miserably bombed anyway due to the irrational thinking. I spent my days as a lost, restless ghost, unable to rest for more than a minute at a time as I hiked up and down the city built on a hill. I don’t know what I was. If I had to give it a name, it would be, solar powered robot running on nothing but beliefs that the more I go go go and the less I ate, the better the outcome of privileges such as alcohol, my boyfriends attitude towards me, and amount of goods I would pull off stealing.

So anyways this belief stayed with me in the hospital for a very long time until towards the end of my 40 day sentence  part of my spiritual self seemed to ease its way back, the first meal I ate was the best meal if my life after consuming nothing but liquor and morsels every few days, also provided me so much energy I was like a child experiencing a sugar rush. Then I started loving food again but hated myself every time I ate. Pooping felt foreign and disgusting.. To this day I still wonder how I went so long without table food, I miss the satisfaction of denying even my favourite food knowing I’m getting thinner everyday. I just don’t miss the lack of the loving spiritual being I once was that came with the lack of health in all other human areas. I made a fine robot though, feeling nothing but the need to look good, fulfilling nothing except the made up games and challenges I made up in my head. I thought I was in a higher realm of existence, where negative emotions didn’t exist because emotions themselves didn’t or barely existed. We were spirits doing the same routine everyday and life had no purpose but to compete with one another based on our physical appearance and materialistic item had been on a path of spiritual ascension and awakening for at least a good year .. During this time, countless events took place that shaped my beliefs, transforned my mental and physical health positively, provided me a great sense of understanding the unfortunate life events I endured, the lessons learned, acquiring more knowledge and sharing it as well as the phenomenal events associated with spiritual ttansformation became an exciting new priority. There was no literature, no adventure nor human interaction boring enough to withhold from people alike.

My life finally had meaning – once stuck in an abyss of lack of motivation, interest and happiness, I couldn’t understand why my life was on a path that from viewers standpoint can be seen as destructive, lazy, and lacking in morality – 20 years old, no job, high school drop out spending her days on a road to absolute nothingness.

I guess I was just doing some of my usual casual internet reading when a topic sparked my interest and it was as if this article was speaking directly to ME in what I had at first perceived to be extremely eerie. I furthered my reading and I remember sitting against the wall when I began crying, an overflow of tears caused by many mixed emotions. I had no idea what this meant and what was in store for the rest of my days – once repetitive, meaningless and emotionally numb, now fulfilled with amazement, curiosity, and an extreme sense of wonder. A hunger to learn more and more washed over me. As I continued to expand my knowledge on the topic I finally found this whole ordeal to be – spiritual transformation – phenomena and unusual occurrences began to take place. Anyone on this path knows what I’m talking about. Those not so coincidental things that send shivers dlwn your spine, or make you feel as if the world and your surroundings are not even real.

I rarely went out during this time of my life due to my anti social manner andsevere anxiety, unaware this was key to spiritual transformation. And so once I started and discovered this realm of what seemed like an unworldly, surreal, sometimes frightening as hell, what felt like death was around the corner and sometimes imaginative, challenging but fun, once I got the hang of channeling anxieties and fears into humorous, uplifting thoughts or beliefs of myself, including my capabilities and my duties I after some time finally identified.

By the constant output and demonstrations of love and kindness,I was able to turn around or escape many hostile or even evil situations, spark changes or even healings in a number of lives, which caused immense emotional satisfaction. My life was far from one of the social norm, family relationships were lacking but my calling to serve my purpose to transform and teach was not one I wished to dismiss. Being the black sheep middle child of the family, this level of rebellious behaviors, including being away for weeks or months at a time, jumping ftom place to place wherever my journey would take me, and my ability became effortless, automatic, as if I were doing exactly what was meant fkr me to do at that time. I felt blessed to be lead by something greater than me although unseen and unheard, the sense of knowing that my spirit was under constant protection even in the most demonic environmen, that I had guidance and purpose too great to put into words…. Looking back it seems like something out of a movie, novel or dream.

The climax of these events came to an end and my focus moved towards drawing, poetry, and then finally turned to an technology and internet stuff like data and other crap I’m not sure if I even understood or if I was completely out of my mind. But I could have sworn I was up to something, although it was career or profit driven mostly from what I remember.

I believe I mentioned this took place in a year but my recalculation imposes a course of three or four years – starting with immense fear of the unknown, mystical and supernatural events, more fear, isolation, then magically an explanation for it all, leading to actively participating in this newfound… What would I call it ? Hobby? Way of life ? Or what felt like at times even, a wat between good and evil, dark and light, heaven and hell.

When I moved jb with my boyfriend, all the fairy tales came to a halt. We fueled each others alcoholism, he was a mean drunk and I plunged into a world of never ending drinking, booze, self hatred, and then took on a whole new extreme when I entered a world of extreme psychosis that lasted weeks.. I believed I was on my death bed. My life consisted of terrible hallucinations, straight fucked up delusions, inability to sleep due to nightmares so severe and so real every night I swear I was killed. So I became dependent on this guy I called my boyfriend, I could no longer sleep alone or get out of bed unless it was to drink or sometimes I would eat but then I quit that altogether too due to harsh criticism from him.

One day during one of his outbursts of rage, he trashdd the place we were staying at  destroying most of my things and whatever else he could reach. So we quickly moved out, slept on the street for a few days before spontaneously hopping on a flight to Montreal, all the while still in a deep psychosis, believing the sun was about to reach earth and burn it whole, while an Apocalypse underwent in the meantime – I believed there was little to no food available and human meat was now being served everywhere. In such a state of extreme feari didn’t care where I went as long as I didn’t leave his, sometimes loving side.

Now, seven months later, here I am, writing again with that natural flow of thoughts and words I so badly missed all this time but every time I tried to create, even just a short poem, no thoughts or ideas would come, any content had to be forced and lacked any depth, talent, or even mere interest in that sole moment. 

My spiritual growth not only ceased to continue, but it seems as if a death occurred altogether. I became the very Hunan being I once could not stand. I was racist and sometimes mean, judgemental  materialistic, sometimes my ego was enormous while other times it was completely destroyed by my partners negative insults and comments, the thin and beautiful French Montreal girls partying everywhere with seemingly perfect lives didn’t help my extreme low self esteem. I starved myself for months while drinking everyday, needing alcohol to function physically. I would get blacked out drunk and go around this stranger city shoplifting any chance I got. Anything, anywhere, to serve as the very little excitement and self gratification I had the capacity to feel at that time. Suicidal, empty and often angry, I went to jail a handful of times due to charges of mischief, theft and assaulting my THEN piece of shit boyfriend with a lamp to his face.

My reality while living in Montreal could be described as empty, emotionless, like my soul had been destroyed. I can’t put the feelings into words.. I either felt like I was on the brink of death, or I was in some afterlife as a ghost. Even visually, lighting seemed bright and dream-like. Like it were the final moments of my life in the dream state right before you fully check out of life. I was destroyed spiritually, mentally, and physically was on its tail end as well, so severely that I bled. Everyday. Out of everywhere. But alcohol, and getting dressed up to go stealing was my one and only pleasure. I couldn’t even stand sex anymore or anything to do with the infividual that moulded me into this disgusting, dying human being. I guess it was a blessing in disguise when I was arrested for shoplifting and got put in a jail hospital claiming I was mentally ill. Which I totally was, just not how they perceived me to be, which was schizophrenic and hearing voices telling me to do things – which I actually did have at times but not at the time of my blacked out stealing. I thought this hospital would beat jail, and I also thought I’d have to serve less time if deemed mentally handicapped at the time of my arrest. So I put my best acting skills to use, furthering my delusional belief that certain individuals in Montreal are simply just actors and not actually credentialed whatsoever for whatever position they pretended to hold. Either that, or the very good looking applicants get hired to sit there and look pretty and aid in the decline of every girls self image in hopes that girl attempts to better herself physically so that Montreal will rank one of the top cities for physical attractiveness, needed due to the mere fact that almost everyone just went out acting all day in public while getting paid to do so. Sort of like a fake city consisting widely of fake personalities, but Why, you may ask? Oh my delusional mind came up with many reasons. One was that the best actors get hand picked and shipped off to L.A. to become the next batch of celebrities. I genuinely thought that Montreal was the Canadian portal fot aspiring movie stars, and dialogue heard anywhere was mere researsed from a script. I mean, there really was two distinct groups of people amongst the Montreal population. One was the televisiin-like perfectly happy and upbeat, well dressed all in high end brands men, usually almost always accompanied by a crew of swooning bubbly models or porn star or something equally as flawless, sporting fashion only bodies in tip top shape could pull off. Here I was, running through crowds of rich and beautiful French people in gross second hand baggy pants and mediocre blouses, sporting a baseball cap, with the  set on believing I was simply a business woman getting off work rushing to meet her husband at work. So that they could drink the tips he made all away.

I couldn’t keep a job in such a state of health. Most interviews I had miserably bombed anyway due to the irrational thinking. I spent my days as a lost, restless ghost, unable to rest for more than a minute at a time as I hiked up and down the city built on a hill. I don’t know what I was. If I had to give it a name, it would be, solar powered robot running on nothing but beliefs that the more I go go go and the less I ate, the better the outcome of privileges such as alcohol, my boyfriends attitude towards me, and amount of goods I would pull off stealing.

So anyways this belief stayed with me in the hospital for a very long time until towards the end of my 40 day sentence  part of my spiritual self seemed to ease its way back, the first meal I ate was the best meal if my life after consuming nothing but liquor and morsels every few days, also provided me so much energy I was like a child experiencing a sugar rush. Then I started loving food again but hated myself every time I ate. Pooping felt foreign and disgusting.. To this day I still wonder how I went so long without table food, I miss the satisfaction of denying even my favourite food knowing I’m getting thinner everyday. I just don’t miss the lack of the loving spiritual being I once was that came with the lack of health in all other human areas. I made a fine robot though, feeling nothing but the need to look good, fulfilling nothing except the made up games and challenges I made up in my head. I thought I was in a higher realm of existence, where negative emotions didn’t exist because emotions themselves didn’t or barely existed. We were spirits doing the same routine everyday and life had no purpose but to compete with one another based on our physical appearance and materialistic items. Empathy and ability to connect emotionally with another being that wasn’t self serving was not capable. It happened once in the hospital with this big muscular staff member who was so humorous and pleasant to be around. I miss that awesome character. He provided me with laughter and humanity in the worst times. Other than him, girls were catty and conceited, no one was friendly. Guys were either  sexually or for ones own entertainment to pass time. Possibly polishing up their acting or comedic skills as well.

I cant say it was entirely torture. But being a soulless anorexic delusional schizo whose emotions either fluctuated dramatically without any reason, or were nonexistent altogether, or perhaps a lab rat being heavily medicated on all sorts of antipsychotic for the entertaining research purposes these Québec monsters were conducting on broke prisoners because the rest of the population could afford the best lawyers and most certainly would not undergo such drug experiments just to have people laugh at you for having a mental illness.

Hospital? This was an institution in hell, hades, where so called nurses not so discreetly talked shit about you. Where they are most likely testing new warfare gases they pump through the vents, which would explain the extreme weakness, tiredness and zombie like feelings.

Quebec is beautiful, but everything existing in it is either ugly or deceiving. Being so disconnected from myself and reality at that time, it feels like its just some memory or story that never even happened. I wish I could say, Yeah !! Montreal was an amazing trip ! But it feels like all a dream. After my release my father flew out to bring me home to Manitoba. I envisioned the return to be a lot like heaven – I’d eat without criticism on all the best food my parents kept in the house, I’d be safe from the citys tiresome pressure to keep up with the rest  of the born and raised elite, the grips of their cops and legal system that I kept falling back into due to extreme loneliness and depression. But home turned out to be even worse than the city of hell itself. Although my boyfriend remained in a Montreal jail, his voice overtook my thoughts and I heard the same two sentences he always used to say over and over like a broken record. My mind was corrupt, I was suffering from complete apathy. I couldn’t drink while living there so I truly was a numb zombie everyday desperately finding measures just to pass the time. That’s when I decided it would be in my best interest to return to my boyfriend so that I wouldn’t be jammed up clock watching all day. But the joy that overcame me upon his return proved I had missed him indeed. I had a newfound feeling of appreciation for him and all his efforts and doings while in Montreal but moreso in events to come. He has his moments of being mean but so do I. I’m not sure what caused my very existence to almost decease entirely but I cannot blame it all on him. Truth is, we were both addicts and toxic for each other, and obviously both very insecure .

So here I am, were together, again, but I can’t help but notice the lack of my once heightened spirituality, creativity and curiosity that occurred as soon as our relationship began. Have we been too busy drinking, neglecting priorities and promoting importance on our next bottle? Has he somehow stolen or destroyed my soul? Our relationship has improved!, immensely, but I am still not the same in terms of spirituality or personality. I now exhibit a tinge of bitterness and egotism, and until now had absolutely no desire to write, read, or share.

I am no longer the lost ghost I was in Montreal. My well being in all areas are almost back to normal ! I Spent hours in the library engulfed in books on topics that interest me, including the once lost and now no longer forgotten, spiritual transformation. I want to be full of unconditional love for all things again like I used to be. I want to do things that please me spiritually again like I always used to do when I was single. I’m not sure he is on a path of any sort, although expressing interest for God and Church, it is not of interest to me. When I am in my zone and read or write for several hours on end, he gets insulted and thinks I’m mad at him or ignoring him, thus serving as a distraction as I can feel so much foreign negative vibrations from him while I serve my own intellectual desires.

Anyways. Its been so long. I am so thrilled I got to feel this way again even if it won’t be as much of a regular activity as it once was, but now that I am spiritually aware again I definitely want to dive right back into it, although I know it simply does not work that way, even if time permitted. Somehow I need to balance physical, mental and financial health again while finding the time to feed my unique spiritual health. While my boyfriend has been currently away I am just basking in spiritua glory as I read and write again,l feel again, my very favourite hobbies are enjoyed again, I hope long term rather than momentarily. I sort of feel like I’m back to square one on my path, and I’m totally okay with that. Unsure of what it takes to regain total connection with the physical world while prancing around t the city feeling nothing less than angelic while my every little interaction consisted of so much selfless love that even the grouchiest of the grouches couldn’t help but smile and respond with friendliness. Even being taken advantage of for my kindness by those whom I considered a friend alike, numerous times, never could kill the love and light that dwelled inside of me. I was just no believer in anything BUT love and kindness.

Today, I am still a friendly patron of society. But my spark has sizzled out. Although not a complete numbed out inhuman species anymore, I still am missing something, if not, a few things. I suspect this could be due to my relationship, we are together almost 24/7therefore this constant exchange of energies is subconsciously the focus. Although I enjoy my mate, my other half, he’s my best friend and person I’m most comfortable with.I’ve adapted to this life of always being together that I am usually wishing he was present with me when he is not, with this exception of great flourishing of the soul that can only be conducted in solidarity.

My personal interpretation is, I was meant to be destroyed. The dark forces of the universe found the perfect opportunity to strike when I was already down.Now, I forcus on the process of spirituality rebirth. Reading, journaling, and poetry all once tugged at my very soul and creation was what made me feel whole, and escaping reality into the minds infinite creative abilities was what I wanted to do. All the time. Losing this, now as I rediscover, is pure bliss.

FIRST OF ALL – if youre getting a rise out of roasting me, laughing and cussing while you sit and play me on your ‘VLT’s…

Well, too bad. Because I used to love you. And whoever is actually standing beside me in the end… Well, I love you too. Always have always will.

(We already know who the helper is, secretly. The ‘FOB’, the’Naggery’ and ‘Grand scheme fuckery’ will begin to cease. Like a disease.) – Humankind will move forward.

LOGIC FIRST !!!

my journey of ascension is basically all the elements of being human. its about loving yourself, loving your family, taking care of your health – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Its like holding up a mirror to yourself, your life, being able to be comfortable in your own skin and smiling about it. Reclaiming what you thought you lost and turning a new leaf – new chapter – taking in all cosmic knowledge – and living a brand new, beautiful and hearty life – all while fending off darkness and shining a light. 🙂

Fishbowl. // Starseeds

Ar the end of the day

Nothing is private

Nothing is ours

Nothing is real

Nothing is safe

Goldfish swimming,

I swim in this gigantic fish bowl.

Swimming,

Infinate loops

Endlessly

Black holes

Relentlessly

Are we truly free?

Where is that galaxy

Where I call Home ?

…….

Beyond the stars, and the moon, and the air and the burning ball of fire
Over the strawberry fields and over the mountains
Past every planet
Perhaps, is a place
That is OUR place.

My work here is not done.
Im trying to save the world
One by one.
The walking dead will be restored.
Shining my light, purity, LOVE

We are all stars
And no one can take that.
Maybe we’ll explode
And start our journey back.

One day.
My very last breath.
I cannot wait until im so old and wise
See that spark in a child’s eyes
The same burning wildfire in mine

And then i can tell them,
“You are so special.”

So that one day
When they discover their magic
And after all those years of perhaps emptiness, hardships and doubt
They’ll think of me
And maybe they’ll smile.

Continue reading

Thoughts i want to share on helping eachother grow spiritually.

As the tears flowed like rushing rivers down my face for longer than i can remember
As i engaged in reading content from other members
It was like messages being spoken from sources other than the author itself.
It spoke volumes as i gained insight and understanding of perpectives and answers  that i was forever longing.

After what felt like an eternity of bruising of my soul and shattered pieces
I got it all out of my system. I was, after all, lacking in taking care of my physical vessel.
Days of malnourishment and dehydration, nothing but toxins and chemicals.
Im sure the lack of attention to my body played a big role in the lack of the emotional and well being of the soul.

Finally i ate a granola bar and painfully swallowed my water.
I sat outside in our citys third winter, cold and i smoked the first cigatette in what seemed like an infinite abundance of time, although it was probably less than 24 hours. But i really dont have any grasp whatsover on the concept of time when i am so immersed into the depths of my true passion – reading and writing.

ANYWAYS . I finally took the time to read what other bloggers had to say. Realizing that this whole time i had been pretty selfish. Not realizing that input = output. And they should always be at least equal.

I thought my mind was far too complex for anyone to ever understand. I thought that my ramblings were nothing but a release of my traffic that flooded the very streets of my mind.

I was in complete awe and amazement that there are soo many like me, almost identical, with the same complexity which i always merely identified it as the abyss of my personal insanity.

And then i realized, not only is this a creative outlet for us to let our traffic flow until empty,
But its also the biggest community of support i have ever happily discovered.
I am not alone ! So many share the exact same difficulties, spirits and souls, experiences, and most importantly, journeys !!!

Every blog post i have read in the last 12 hours or more, spoke to me, either as a reflection of my own thoughts or other difficulties i yearned to have at least some understanding
And then it dawned on me that this is part of the ascension process. When you become one with the universe.

Ive never felt more relieved. Just knowing were all here, together, growing, learning, and ascending to the highest spiritual being we possibly can make of ourselves.

I felt so alone. Like i was mental and this was nothing but a tainted and weak mind. But no. We are all connected, and we are here to raise eachother up and encourage to strive on our paths of our journeys.

Such an exciting time for us !!! Lets continue questioning, supporting, offering anything whether it be simply a thank you if has helped your growth in any way shape or form. I think recognition from our fellow brothers and sisters is the most rewarding – the simple confirmation that you have indeed, contributed and helped.

Ive actually reached out and have spoken to so many today, and i could truly feel the love, care, and gratitude in my very soul. Im not just saying this either. The discovery of beautiful human beings that are made up entirely of love and empathy restored any pain i was experiencing previously. And for that i want to say thank you.

Perhaps everything we seek is on this very platform, where we have freedom of speech, we are human, and we do this because we want to. This is whats important to us. Where else can you find journeys that forever grow ? Sure, other web sources may come in handy. But there comes a time where everybody elses development is fundamental to our own, as there is so much we can learn from eachother all while encouraging, developing, and expanding together which ultimately is, i believe, a very important part of the process.

Ahhhh. What a great epiphany this has been.

image

Short stories arent working – not right now

How does one possibly find satisfaction in short, one liner two liner three
Short verses and poems and stories

Me on the other hand
My mind ceases to stop.
I wish it had a power switch
So that when i feel im not creating to the best of my abilities, i can turn it OFF.

One sentence turns to another because the firsf caused me to either realize something on top of that, or contradict something i may have said in the past, regardless, its traffic, but unlike traffic, its fast.

What was that ?
I think i just manifested again.
Right then and there my brain went blank and i, for once, looked around my space in the dim morning light, and just like that, the traffic stopped.

With that being said, i prefer traffic for now.
Afterall, what would traffic be without the road ?
So the more i let it flow, the more i expand and grow.
Spiritually, as a human, becoming whole.

Im astonished at where the night has disappeared off to.
Ah, let it rest.
It ran quite the marathon, im impressed.
Possibly beat its old record of 11 seconds.
Or twelve, you know, im really not sure.
Perhaps it was 11 point.. something.
When night time leaps into the morning like that, well, i know i must have been really enjoying myself.
Quite the getaway.

Ive never felt so free. I mean, as a soul being, i am of course ultimately very free.
But breaking free from all the mental chains that hold you back and imprisoned, (in which you dont even realize)
Fear, worry, need for acceptance and to please others. The need for someone to tell us, dont worry, this is all rational.
Ive come to terms with the fact that not everyone will dwell in the same reality.
Heck, im not sure anyone does in mine.

I stopped caring about that.
Oh yeah, i find pure joy in somebody complimenting me.
Even just a new follower is the most excitement i have ever felt.
Why ?

Let me tell you.
In a world where i struggled so hard to fit in
So hard to accept and simply just live.
Nothing was ever enough.
But this, this is enough.
Swimming in my thoughts and making these waves.
And for anyone who joins me while i swim, sail, or even float (like now)
Means they must get me at least a little. And i am not alone !

Becoming one with the universe is really confusing at first.
I falsely believed that i was something MORE than what i am.
But we are all one. We are all connected and every thing you say or do or think, is recreated somewhere. Not completely identical, although it depends on how you look at it and what you consider ‘identical’
In other words, each and every one of us are in sync.

So while every action has a recreation effect, it also has an opposite reaction.
Its strange to think about but this is just what ive found.
I guess its as simple as forces, like ions of a magnet.

We are all magnets to put it simply.
Your mind manifests your reality and your life.
Your actions and behaviors as well.
It all gets created shaping your very life right in front of you.
Law of attraction. Gravity, everything. Isnt it all just magnets ?
Caramel.

That was no coincedence.
I just dont know how to get the hang of it.
I mean yeah, its easy when your veins are flowing with artificial electricity
I want to get to this point all on my own, naturally.

Meditate so they say.
But it doesnt replace the thirst for blood
Wanting to fill the barrell
Push, sloooowwlyyyy
3 seconds and youre there. Literally.
Instead i choose to medicate.

But its better if you push through that first highway thats narrow dark and tormenting, really.
Depending on your method of travel
Youll want to be well equipped.
Or else you may fail to hit all the road blocks that were meant to be an obstacle, of knowledge, and your output. The plume of smoke you leave behind, mixing into the air, forever leaving its trail.
The best vacation is when youve been driving for three.
Accellerate, three seconds
Pedal to the metal, three days acccording to the clock. But when youre driving so fast it really just feels like you started your engine …. i dont know.. Time does not exist. All i feel is.. now. This present moment. I cant remember the past three days. Its difficult placing a number on a road. Well, a number associated with time.

Too focused on the road i guess.
No time to think about things that dont matter.
That dont have to do with staying put on the road.
And not driving into a useless shrubbery and bush.

While i feel like i probably drove into many ditches and wasted lots of time driving off course
I mean, why does it matter ?
Even when i review it later on and it makes ZERO sense to me.
During the creation of that content, i was in the moment. I was creating something, and just because its beyond my understanding does not mean nobody else will be able to.
The foreigners, the masters, the others.
The past, the future, whichever history it may be.
Whoever, it doesnt matter. But all i can hope is that somewhere, something, some day, will benefit from the imprints of my journey.
The ignition.

And you know what ?
I dont need anything but this.
The belief i have created to give meaning to exist.
THAT is our purpose.

The meaning of life is to give life meaning.”
-true words spoken by a fellow associate of mine.
Feline.
I want to help others
Without working 9 to 5
But rather
Until i begin my work and strive until im out of order.
From one location, to the next, and the next, and the next.
Unsure if an existence
Of the destination i so desperately seek.
But what if this is it,
Sailing roaring seas
Driving until i crash and burn into a ditch.
A captain of my imagination and existence.
This is what i want to be so please accept it.

Just dont expect more when im conforming to this alien societys expectations, their norn.

If i could make a living from driving on freeways or highways or back lanes
Forever leading to something far from my understanding,
Oh, i would be so thrilled,
But then i realize that balance would not be fulfilled.

3 times a month
3 days on the road
And that is what i can commit to.
I’ll do my best but every attempt does not mean success.

Just remember.
My goal is to help you
Create a better future
Because i want to
Because i love you

And thats it.

Compress, cram, jam. Traffic jam?
No silly. Jam for your crumpets.
You requested it.
But im more of a salt person.
Never did have a sweet tooth.
Are you surprised?

Didnt think so.

image

If we were having coffee

Got lots of reading done today. Brand new information stored in my brain. Each time, becoming one step closer to my fulfilled destiny. A long and winding staircase, ascending. I feel i am completely enlightened although i know there is always something new to be learned.

Im still so confused with todays acquired knowledge. I have failed to apply to most important piece of it all. Sure, it would explain a lot. But giving into that thought i am hesitant, for nothing is certain, and im terrified of being deceived.

I live in a terribly contradictive and paradoxal reality. Its exciting, mystical but not comprehendable at times. In fact, for years i thought i had some sort of entitlement, or significant importance, either that or i was suffering from a form of schizophrenia, a mental case on the verge of being institutionalized.

Although my true first acknowledgement of my understanding and awakening occured around a year ago, little did I know that for years i was actually practicing everything i was about to learn. All those days and nights of tedious, at times gruesome experiences and walking the streets for days with nowhere to go. Nothing made sense to me and i became scared of the only world i knew. Completely stripped of all my faith, trust, and my simple black and white perspective of the world. Out the window. I questioned everyone and everything. And fighting my obscene thoughts was exhausting. I lived everyday in fear and shame, confining myself indoors. Away from… whatever it WAS out there.

I knew in my heart that all the puzzle pieces had a meaning and i wasnt simply just a psycho. The feeling that it would all make sense to me one day was robust. I had a ravenous curiosity and hunger for more. Even when death knocked on my door more than once, i never backed down. I simply had to grasp the concept of this THING, PLACE, EXISTENCE, in which scared the fuck out of me and was intriguing all at the same time.

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And thats exactly what i did. Over and over and over again until finally i was led to the beginning of the truth and grasped some concept. The point is to never stop reading. I used to feel cheated after i found out there were so many others like me and that perhaps i wasnt so special after all. But indeed we are, and knowing that so many others can relate, and are going through the same, and that im not alone and completely losing my mind, it made me very very happy.

So, ive definitely reached a great place in my spiritual growth. My understanding of my purpose and just everything has never been better. Theres still so much i need to discover though, about myself and those who are close to me. I want to spread the word and help any way i can. In fact, your journey is entirely up to you. YOU decide whether or not to keep going. I almost gave up but im glad i didnt. I was tricked by a wrongful source which led me to almost bend and break.

For laying inside my childish figment of imagination is the only thing that makes sense and inspires me. I hope other creative thinkers embrace their gifts rather than toss them aside feeling sheepish. Listen to your soul. It will guide you.

If we were out for coffee.. i would ask you to tell me your story.

Enjoy some quotes from the one and only albert einstein. Great minds think alike !

Encourage others to seek their path.

A wise man knows not to share his secrets.

“Now i understand why you pushed me away

I looked far and now i see, that the only one i needed was me.”

 

The process is freightning, exciting, disbelieving, surreal, amazing and tiring all at the same time. When your soul is prepared it will begin. Brace yoself ! P.S. self confidence is KEY to the success of ascension as well as filtering out all the negative that could potentially present itself during the process.

 

Peace love and light ! ♡