reality is burning me dead

i cant go
i cant go on, so
how do i move along, so
i hate goodbyes, so
i sing a sad song
i fucking miss you all so
so much
pain unbearable
how do i go on? so,
i’ll cry myself to sleep tonight
youre not here to hold me tight
i cant fucking forever fight
this pain will eat me alive
tonight although the stars are bright
my soul is lacking its inner light

my child, you are so bright
you are the age of only nine
but your intelligence mirrors even mine
youre gonna go far kid.
i told you secrets of this darkness called life
i hope youll always remember some of the insight
cherish the beautiful time we had tonight.
you were here for me when no one else was in sight
my life now lacks depth
without you, without him.
this feels a lot like death.
i pray i’ll get to see all you beautiful people again
God, please give me strength.

“Honestly, what will become of me?
Dont like reality, its way too clear to me.
Why do all good things come to an end?”


youve touched my heart like no other in such little time.
How am I ever going to be fine?

you said you werent going anywhere. ever.

the very last image of you
forever trapped in my mind
i looked at you and smiled, because,
you wore some favourite things of mine.

After so much pleasure and sexual energy
coursing through my veins pouring out like waterfall lakes
As I threw up my purple hair you stared
And you stood in my doorway
looking especially fly in all my favourite attire
You probably smiled as I drifted so quickly into a blissful sleep
With my music of all genres lulled me to sleep
Because you left me
and although all those days it was no lullaby you sang
but simply a gentle kiss on the neck
and our bodies’ closeness.

I made you my all cause it was all I needed.
And now you have left and I am left with nothing.
You took all those things – a pendant from my best friend of ten years
My favourite sweatpants
The only pair of sunglasses
Ive ever truly liked
not because they looked good on my face
But because they were from the dollar store and didnt have those annoying nose holder things that got caught in my haor whenever my hair was tied up.

That fucking image will never leave my head
Because you looked so damn good in everything
I took pride when you wore my things.
Why ciuldnt you have just come to fucking bed ?

Now everything youve left behind
im not sure if it was cause you were in a rush to leave, or your way to compensate for my stuff.
Right now i want to throw all your shit in the firepit in the backyard and let it fucking burn
I cant handle any of your remains
i want to erase every fucking memory of you.

go ahead and settle for that egotistical looking bitch who looks like she has nothing to give.

what about everything we saw?
magic, miracles, witchcraft or spells?
what about all those promises?
the fucking shit you said to me
ideally i want you dead.

nobody understands that i dont just jump into any relationship
i swore id never settle for anything less than extraordinary.
or was i simply too thirsty to love and fuck everybody i wanted, or too afraid to open up and be comfortable?

i” dont do relationships” id always tell people.
But this time I told everyone how excited I was that Ifound you.

Dont blame God for what you did to me.
Thats no fucking excuse.

whats she got that i dont have ? a dick?
Lord, forgive me for my anger.
But how the fuck am I ever gonna heal this time ?

If youre going to use someone as a replacement or for a feeding
dont you dare ever do what you have done to me.

and fuck you if youre smirking.
I am me and I cant help these feelings

you promised me a dream and I dont want to go alone.

I dream youll walk back right through my door.

I hope our memories haunt you

I hope you wear my things cause you loved me too.

but am I just a fucking fool ?

Right now Im having trouble believing in faith that
you’ll still be mine at the gates..

sands of time

and so it seems
its as simple
as a stroll through the times
hours, weeks, years
walking in circles

when will i find the path which doesnt dwindle
turn and twine
frequently all the same fucking time

broken record
its pretty useless
searching for things
that came between us

the friends, the lovers, even the nations
but then i remember
everything that was ever promised to me was just a lie.

naive beliefs and childish dreams.

but its a cruel cruel world
better to sleep than to daydream.

or maybe its just me.

but FUCK saying sorry.

cause im not.

an abundance of love many of you have desperately sought
and when you were showered in it
all that was once there quickly was lost.

im not sad they all left me
im sad because all i ever wanted was to help them
grow, flow, like the wilderness and the seas

but i guess im just a destructive thunderstorm to them
rather than a welcoming sun shower
im no fucking rainbow
i got my own demons dwelling in my closet.

but then i realize
perhaps i am at my best in the deserts.
rather than a valley ceasing to flourish.

these rocks and cactuses have nothing for me.
ah, well.
im just missing my camel.
But he was an omnivore.

maybe one day i’ll find a lost flower
amongst these dry lands
confused amonst the times and the thirsty sands

a sole lonely flower kinda like me.

onward my travels i shall go.

“round and round we go
when we shall stop, well,
nobody knows”

im not getting anywhere here, am I ?


Bring back the Music

I hate when i cant listen to all my favorite love songs
Because im dealing with a broken heart.
Who will be next to take it all away?
Man, i made a huge fucking mistake.

“Strikes me kinda funny, the way the tables turned. Cause now its you whos sweatin’ and its me whos not concerned.”


These words are my heart and soul.

“I want you to know With everything i wont let this go These words are my heart and soul I’ll hold onto this moment you know Cause i bleed my heart out to show And i wont let go.” 1. Depth. Free of anxiety. Gentle. TPB. Artistic. Passion. Words of cheese. Understanding of the chaos. Healthy. Inexperienced. Damaged. Paranoid. Depressed. Attention seeking. Selfish convenience. Family oriented. Mother relationship. Connection at a further level 2. Slow. Tons in common. High assurity. No questioning. Clingy. Great experience. Motivated. Possibly superficial. No artistic value? Unnappreciative of meaning. Rushing. No real depth. Jealous. Misunderstands space. Little nervous. Strong. Big. Safety and secure. Does not fuck around. No second guesses. Short term. 2 lessons – a million new ideas, desires and understanding of what i need. Bad. Better. Please bring the best, now. Or was it here all along ? Babe, as time goes on, it doesnt feel so wrong Im not perfect enough though, and, youre mean You understand it, but only to a degree And why are you so ashamed of me Youre lucky this planet hates me. You almost lost me. In reality you dont deserve me. I hope one day we both change. For the better. So that our lifelong friendship turns into our lifetime dream. We are the very same. Yet total opposites. And now its dawning on me Ass in gear to work towards everything i need to be. For me. Us. Love. Trust. Patience dear. Dont forget about me. Or am i simply lovesick for love again?


Contestant number three

Show yourself to me.

Shall you be thrusted upon me.

Oh, the irony.

That i was too blind to see

Whats right in front of me

After all these years.

The very best things in life take lots of time.

We started out as two little kids

Trying to catch a thrill

Oh yeah, we loved a good thrill

Total adrenaline junkies.

You disapproved my method.

It wasted a lot of my life afterall.

Well, in the others’ eyes

Not mine.

I learned more than id anticipated

Or that i was prepared for

During that frightful fall

Like alice in wonderland

Completely engulfed by a world of madness, miracles and mysteries

Utter insanity, where im most happy.

I dont think you could ever understand.

And that scares me.

A story without understanding

Or believing

Is nothing but a mere fairytale.

So i’ll keep this darkness with me

Locked away into the deepest depths of my soul

Hidden and safe, from the innocent

Oh yes, i know i wanted all the answers.

And i know curiosity usually doesnt do the cat any good.

But i couldnt stop.

The hunger for more was surely one of a lion

Indeed, the king of beasts

And while exploring the jungle was definitely a frightening journey

I knew the reward was well worth it.

Whatever it was, i knew in my soul i achieved great things

Maybe i helped lost souls find their wings.

Maybe they felt heaven just for a day

Maybe they remembered from where they came

Maybe it gave them something to think

Its enough for me to believe

That i went down in history

When all those souls think of me

From time to time. And smile.

Oh, my darling. You treat me like im a fool.

Whether i was wide awake or dreaming

I did something even i dont know about.

Oh, sure. It was for your entertainment.

Use me as you will. But you should know by now

My mind is far too creative to not get fullfillment

Out of this absurd life we’ve created

I say we, because lets be honest

We both have a say in what gets played

Am i interesting yet ?

Do people love me yet ?

No, just the thought is comforting.

That even though im a lost cause

It wasnt a complete waste

And when i close my eyes to dream

I get a round of applause

While i sleep and watch the lives of those on the other side.

I dont expect to ever be fully understood.

Dont try because youll drown.

Patiently waiting for someone to embark on a journey on my vicious dark seas to get to me.

Yeah, ive done those things. But do you ask why ? Take the time to really listen ? Open up your mind to the endless possibilities the universe has to offer.

Our imaginaty minds

Can go sky high

Until we fly

Above blue sky

Into new heights

Your rollercoaster ride

My glass empire flight

We here for one more night

It will be alright

When darkness turns to light

Yeah, we will be alright. You and I.

Together in this wild ride.


Perhaps i know what i want. But i simply cant allow it. For the uncertainty of it all. And nobody wants to feel like that. Unsafe. Not secure. Id lose everybody and no one wants to be alone.

Has it ever occured to you that perhaps we’ll never be good enough for anyone else. And that were just two oddballs that desire something so much more. Adventure, meaning, thrills, to be free as a bird. Limits do not exist and opportunities are endless.

This has turned into quite the rambling blabble jabble in which i would have rather avoided. But when you have a million thoughts racing around at once, its hard not to come up with a mess.

I think the vision finally makes sense to me now. I dont know anything though really. I mean i thought i did. A wise man knows he knows nothing. So the show may just be getting started.

Join me on my quest for a happily ever after life: love, laughter, great memories, new quests, new destinations and new realizations, new happiness, new me, new life, new beginning.

No more running around like a chicken. Im done with that. Why should i do anything more than sit back and let it all fall into place? Its hard to trust but baby trust your fate.

Trust is something i dont think ill ever know again. I reply.

Then at least trust the sky. Trust the stars and the clouds and the moon. But especially the sun. For it shall always be there, even in your darkest days. The sky is absolute, it wont ever leave you.

Then i should just marry it. If the sky is the only thing i am guaranteed to have for life. Day after day. Sky. Sky. Sky. Ive always loved the sky.

“Its a damn cold night

Tryna figure out this life

Take me somewhere new

I dont know who you are, but i,

Im with you.”





I feel heartless.

It seems as though my wings have been peeled off my back.
It seems as though the love, kindness and compassion i once held
I now lack.

It seems as though the universe brought me to many great places and gave me many great gifts
Just to take them all back.

It seems as though my duties on this earth i no longer can hack.
It seems as though i was on an amazing path but now ive lost track.

My heart once full of fire has turned to ashes, turned black.
I cant stop soaring please give me my wings back.

It seems my life has been nothing but a trap.


One of these days

Why should i wait around until i fucking figure out what went wrong?
Why should i keep second guessing myself?
Why should i waste my time wondering if i said or did something
And that it was all my fault?
Why should i have to get high
Just to find the answers why?
Not sure if im being paranoid or actually gaining insight?
Im done with this fucking bullshit
Pretty soon i will demand for the answers.
And you WILL give them to me.
And i will call you out on any bullshit fucking excuse you try to play.
Sometime soon, one day.