encouragement best explained


whats it gonna be?

running in fields of ecstasy?

high green blades of grass

wishing on the feathers of dandelions

a feeling you once knew

a fleeting escape your soul creates fast

look on the bright side

your hearts still beating to fight

to keep it together

yeah, i got it all together

emotions opposite of the weather

maybe thats what we need.

a lover at the other end of the spectrum

how else will you conquer balance ?

and balance, we need

so desperately

to keep all things

humanity, society, some part of me

at peace.

so whats it gonna be ?

are you yet realizing ?


the yin and the yang aint just some decorative thang.

oh how i love the flow of the words stuck in my brain

in fact, missing

but the glass house seeks to destroy the lost and retained

a window,  a screen, a sliver piercing our feet

they couldnt help it

and so the apple they eat

but i dont mind giving away my fruit

and my pieces of loot

after all, i am nothing without all of you.

and you can steal a little bit of my spark

to light up your ghostly existance, self, dark

but i wish not to break yet another heart

am i fool and just causing more harm?

can i be happy, comfortable, and stable yet ?

karma holds no more debt

although free, i am set

to sit, stop and rest

and give up the trials and tests

i just want something, something for nothing


… woops ! this is supposed to be encouraging.

so to all those who are out there in the battlefield

i want you to remember that love is your shield.

and when youre broke and cant get up

dust yourself off and dont give up.

cause light is brighter than the dark.

know your purpose and your worth.


you may never go to some university

but trust me

the warmth you carry around,

your smile as you walk around

your mysterious aura

your beauty leaving others astound

such angelic ways you should wear a crown

touching lives of those who always frown

honey, dont be so down

blood may not be but God is proud.



just do what drives you to be happy in upside down town.

which is being happy. so be happy. and youll simply be happy.




I cant stop.

second time now.
Beautiful work. Wasted.
Dont forget about our


cant handle.me ? Cant handle the truth ?
Cant handle the reality being exposed ?
Then get out of my world
This is my reality
I make my own rules
I created my own game
And i wrote the instructions
Dont like it ?
Take a hike then.

Yeah, my minds too fucked for its own good
But sanity never proved to be fun
Yet another mixture

Oh, laugh. Wont you ?
I want to see you happy.
You hate me, so its crazy
But thats just me
My sunshines all around this block
This street
My own world
Its mine
Chaos, madness, peace and sleep
Dreams, sleep walking, alive and living
Walking, laughing, thinking and creativity
In which we can express in any way we please
So stop the fuckery
And stop messing with me
I can drcide my own society
Sane, psychotic, or incomplete
Yeah, thats it.

My work here is not done.
Nor is it incomplete

Work in.progress
Growing tree
Wandering soul
Not lost
Just free.







enjoy  the gift of life.

I see a vision of my life

I am not after a life which consists of nothing but imaginary dreams, false hopes and broken promises.
Where i stay inside all day basking in my own psychotic delight.
Stay where nothing but make believe is all that i engage in, a happy little world of my own away from the harsh reality we all know too well.

Ive come to the point where i no longer feel the need to be constantly seeking an escape. Somehow the feeling of independence, responsability and structure are fulfilling me nicely. How i cant wait to wake up and have a nice cup of coffee, breakfast and a cigarette.
Play with my makeup and get pretty for the day. I dont care what anyone says. Makeup is a hobby which contributes to my self confidence and happiness.  Why wouldnt anyone do something if it boosts their self esteem ?
And now i find comfort in a healthy diet rich in vegetables and fruits and grains and whatever else i can afford but is still healthy. Earphones in and out i go for a jog, striding to the rhythm, working up a sweat and releasing those endorphins. That right there is pure satisfaction.
I take baby steps as i work towards the life ive always dreamed of. It doesnt happen overnight. The first thing is to surround yourself in an environment that reinforces the life you want.
I am utterly blessed to have found the perfect home. My room is bright and cheery with colors and patterns so bright and vivid that it stimulates my brain. Candles and perfumes of scents that playfully enlighten my sense of smell.
I love each and every one of my roommates and im lucky i can say that and mean it. Its not easy moving in with total strangers. And even though were all sort of mental in our own way and im sure we aggravate one another from time to time… i feel like theyre my family. This is my family. This is my home. And i have never been happier with a decision ive made my whole life.
“We are all mad here.”
And this is why i belong.
I want to stop calling it ‘setbacks’ or ‘falling off the wagon.”
Everyone needs an escape from reality time to time.
Some go on a vacation. Some go hiking. Some go to the spa. Therefore my blue moon dabbles shall be nothing but a simple reality escape. Cause lets face it. Whatever the heck reality its called, its way more interesting and fun than that of what im used to.
Ive come to terms with the fact that its alright. As long as its not controlling your life, hurting your life in any way or stripping you of your REAL LIFE responsabilities and goals, then its A-OK in my books. And should be in everyone elses too.
My addiction is knowledge, and laying in my own little world for hours on end while getting excited about things that probably dont even play a single role of relevance to my life. But it seems my child-like imagination loves to believe things. Things that id want in this lifetime but im not sure how to go about doing that.
I could be bursting at the seams with faith and hope that i could explode, only to fall asleep and wake up and laugh at my childish dreams.
Since it seems i cannot get employed there, for doing what i would want to do forever, my best option is to settle back into everyday society and play a role. Not just any role. My goal is to help and never stop helping. It doesnt need to be rocket science. (Although i do adore the challenge) one day i will tell those kids my life story. And it will be a crude and raw one. And i hope that its enough to stop at least ONE person from making the mistake i did. I will tell them over and over again that ignorance is bliss and you really do not want to take that long dark and dwindling road, because its haunting, and will change you forever.
Go to the mall. Have sleepovers. Go hunting for cute boys. Enjoy the simplicity of being young. We all wished to be adults as kids and now were adults and wishing the opposite.
Dont grow up too fast. Dont turn to alcohol or drugs to have fun. Find what you love doing and dO it !! Its not hard to figure out.

Yeah. I have a story. Its a story i know people need to hear before its too late. I wish i had someone to tell me a story like mine at seventeen years old. Maybe it would have saved me a lot of pain and damage. Its not a pretty life and it isnt fun. Oh, trust me. There are a lot of parts i know i must always keep to myself. Or change it around or somehow get the point across without having to reveal the true nightmarish events i had to endure which in all honesty i am so so so thankful that today i am still alive, i am not dead, i danced with the devil but still kept my soul.
The fact that i have a story and am finally realizing the best way to tell it to people who need it most is breathtaking. That right there really sparks my soul.
Oh sure. There will be some if not many who go against my warnings anyway. But knowing that someone had warned them beforehand even makes me feel a bit better. The way the government goes about it is completely ridiculous.
These kids need truth, not scare tactics.
How about we tell them they will constantly be living in fear, or how its nothing but a swarm of disgusting cockroaches just waiting to victimize and exploit their next prey, often doing so all behind the scenes while the innocent is quickly dragged into the dark abyss.

Ugh ! Im telling you ! I was one of the very very few lucky ones who was able to climb out and not let it ruin my life for the rest of my life.
I should be dead. And i vow to make this second chance at life the very best life i can possibly make out of it. A meaningful, happy, healthy life.
I used to hate the idea of being a slave to society. But this is not being a slave. This is doing something that my soul is passionate about. You have a story to tell ? Tell it. Doesnt have to be a book. Who would benefit most from hearing your story ? I figured it out. And while dabbling in magic and what had seemed like miracles at the time, was exciting, i think a new chapter must unfold and i’ll save lives before its too late and not in a constant state of fear or doubt.
No, i was not meant to play connect the dots my entire life. You dont get PAID for GAMES. Its not about the money and its not about the recognition. Its about taking what i have and making the best out of it. Its about being there for those kids when they truly just need someone who understands. Cause i do. And i bet i’ll see myself in so many of them and it will be heart breaking. BUT ill have to ask myself. When i was in their position, what was it that i truly needed right there right now ?

My journey is truly exciting and i am so blessed to now be able to see the clarity of it all. I am so so so excited to reach my destination ! A rewarding career, one day my perfect partner, my own place that i can decorate all on my own,  a nice bird, a cat, a dog. Okay maybe 2 of each. A family. Enough money in the bank to live comfortably. Save money for our kids’ futures. Travel. See the PLANET EARTH and not just fantasies i made up in my head.


You can shake me
And break me
But when i see a vision
Of how i want life to be
Theres no stopping me
Not now
Not ever

But if i do crumble a bit
Or even fall down
I dont have time to fuck around
Im getting back up
And putting on my crown

See, the thing is
Ive survived so much
I dont know whats left
That i havent conquered yet.

Yesterday was a lesson
Tomorrow im just guessin’
And today is all mine.



These words are my heart and soul.

“I want you to know With everything i wont let this go These words are my heart and soul I’ll hold onto this moment you know Cause i bleed my heart out to show And i wont let go.” 1. Depth. Free of anxiety. Gentle. TPB. Artistic. Passion. Words of cheese. Understanding of the chaos. Healthy. Inexperienced. Damaged. Paranoid. Depressed. Attention seeking. Selfish convenience. Family oriented. Mother relationship. Connection at a further level 2. Slow. Tons in common. High assurity. No questioning. Clingy. Great experience. Motivated. Possibly superficial. No artistic value? Unnappreciative of meaning. Rushing. No real depth. Jealous. Misunderstands space. Little nervous. Strong. Big. Safety and secure. Does not fuck around. No second guesses. Short term. 2 lessons – a million new ideas, desires and understanding of what i need. Bad. Better. Please bring the best, now. Or was it here all along ? Babe, as time goes on, it doesnt feel so wrong Im not perfect enough though, and, youre mean You understand it, but only to a degree And why are you so ashamed of me Youre lucky this planet hates me. You almost lost me. In reality you dont deserve me. I hope one day we both change. For the better. So that our lifelong friendship turns into our lifetime dream. We are the very same. Yet total opposites. And now its dawning on me Ass in gear to work towards everything i need to be. For me. Us. Love. Trust. Patience dear. Dont forget about me. Or am i simply lovesick for love again?


Contestant number three

Show yourself to me.

Shall you be thrusted upon me.

Oh, the irony.

That i was too blind to see

Whats right in front of me

After all these years.

The very best things in life take lots of time.

We started out as two little kids

Trying to catch a thrill

Oh yeah, we loved a good thrill

Total adrenaline junkies.

You disapproved my method.

It wasted a lot of my life afterall.

Well, in the others’ eyes

Not mine.

I learned more than id anticipated

Or that i was prepared for

During that frightful fall

Like alice in wonderland

Completely engulfed by a world of madness, miracles and mysteries

Utter insanity, where im most happy.

I dont think you could ever understand.

And that scares me.

A story without understanding

Or believing

Is nothing but a mere fairytale.

So i’ll keep this darkness with me

Locked away into the deepest depths of my soul

Hidden and safe, from the innocent

Oh yes, i know i wanted all the answers.

And i know curiosity usually doesnt do the cat any good.

But i couldnt stop.

The hunger for more was surely one of a lion

Indeed, the king of beasts

And while exploring the jungle was definitely a frightening journey

I knew the reward was well worth it.

Whatever it was, i knew in my soul i achieved great things

Maybe i helped lost souls find their wings.

Maybe they felt heaven just for a day

Maybe they remembered from where they came

Maybe it gave them something to think

Its enough for me to believe

That i went down in history

When all those souls think of me

From time to time. And smile.

Oh, my darling. You treat me like im a fool.

Whether i was wide awake or dreaming

I did something even i dont know about.

Oh, sure. It was for your entertainment.

Use me as you will. But you should know by now

My mind is far too creative to not get fullfillment

Out of this absurd life we’ve created

I say we, because lets be honest

We both have a say in what gets played

Am i interesting yet ?

Do people love me yet ?

No, just the thought is comforting.

That even though im a lost cause

It wasnt a complete waste

And when i close my eyes to dream

I get a round of applause

While i sleep and watch the lives of those on the other side.

I dont expect to ever be fully understood.

Dont try because youll drown.

Patiently waiting for someone to embark on a journey on my vicious dark seas to get to me.

Yeah, ive done those things. But do you ask why ? Take the time to really listen ? Open up your mind to the endless possibilities the universe has to offer.

Our imaginaty minds

Can go sky high

Until we fly

Above blue sky

Into new heights

Your rollercoaster ride

My glass empire flight

We here for one more night

It will be alright

When darkness turns to light

Yeah, we will be alright. You and I.

Together in this wild ride.


Perhaps i know what i want. But i simply cant allow it. For the uncertainty of it all. And nobody wants to feel like that. Unsafe. Not secure. Id lose everybody and no one wants to be alone.

Has it ever occured to you that perhaps we’ll never be good enough for anyone else. And that were just two oddballs that desire something so much more. Adventure, meaning, thrills, to be free as a bird. Limits do not exist and opportunities are endless.

This has turned into quite the rambling blabble jabble in which i would have rather avoided. But when you have a million thoughts racing around at once, its hard not to come up with a mess.

I think the vision finally makes sense to me now. I dont know anything though really. I mean i thought i did. A wise man knows he knows nothing. So the show may just be getting started.

Join me on my quest for a happily ever after life: love, laughter, great memories, new quests, new destinations and new realizations, new happiness, new me, new life, new beginning.

No more running around like a chicken. Im done with that. Why should i do anything more than sit back and let it all fall into place? Its hard to trust but baby trust your fate.

Trust is something i dont think ill ever know again. I reply.

Then at least trust the sky. Trust the stars and the clouds and the moon. But especially the sun. For it shall always be there, even in your darkest days. The sky is absolute, it wont ever leave you.

Then i should just marry it. If the sky is the only thing i am guaranteed to have for life. Day after day. Sky. Sky. Sky. Ive always loved the sky.

“Its a damn cold night

Tryna figure out this life

Take me somewhere new

I dont know who you are, but i,

Im with you.”





My vision for 2016

Alright. So the beginning of my year was phenominal.
HUGE amazing spiritual experience on the very firsr day.
I am so so so thankful for this.

I know i said i was taking a break from my studies and research and that i wa

s absolutely just fine and dandy.
This is not the case.
During my 2 month break i THOUGHT i was happy. But i now realize, it was not real happiness. You know, the kind that completely feeds, drives and excites your soul ?
I merely engaged in spending money. I felt the need to go out everyday and buy something. Even if it was just a 2 dollar item at the dollar store… this is what i did, and it works, but i didnt FEEL it in my soul. You know?

Indeed, life is the school and love is the lesson. But you dont receive a diploma here.
You think thats good enough for ny parents ?
You think i can simply tell them i am on duty for something they could never even begin to understand…
I need to go to school of some sort. College. Take a year course. Look good for my parents.

So my little ‘break’ was fun while it lasted. I bought a beautiful new pink lamp, polka dot carpet, beauty items and just a bunch of random crap.
Materialistic happiness does not last long.
For me, true happiness is the discovery of new things. It is learning and gathering knowledge and gathering data until one day all the pieces are put together and i can do something marvelous with it.

Now i must really try and find a balance between societys reality and this mystical reality i have found myself to fall into.
Rather than avoiding it altogether.

Data collection can possibly occur 2-4 times a month over the regular time period of 24-48 hours.

This is what i am going to try out and see if it works. Its not easy, because i much prefer the latter of the two.

I got a taste of what an ordinary life is like. Yes the money is nice. But i learned this is not what im after.
Id rather be anything but ordinary, please.


Saltz and the dreamz



Sanity is absurd
Actually it is quite boring
Like  biology class
Today i decided to skip that.

Sorry i
These words of my choice

As safe as
Light from
The one

At the
Looney bin . Stay
Till tomorrow

So you can
Learn from the broken while
Teachers mend their sorrow.



See me sea breeze
Our love falls like leaves
Slow and graceful
But youll never know me for me

I live a life
Complicated but without strife
Love everyone you meet
Even if they stab you with a knife

One day youll find
The meaning of life
Its different for everyone
Theres no wrong nor right

The meaning to you
Is all up to you
Search for your answers
And listen to strangers

For if you listen
You will find
What youve been needing
To become unblind

Fear is a strong force
That stops us from things thats most important
To move us forward and spread our wings.

When fear creeps up
Recognize and think
What is it im so afraid
From saying what i must say

Fear is not real
It is simply fabricated
In our very own minds
For our minds are our chimes
Wind chimes of insight

Seek insight as you climb
Listen with both ears
Mind body and soul
And move through the illusion of time

The ship set sail today
I thought it did yesterday
But now ive arrived
Heaven in my eyes.





My whole life i have cried
Salty tears which have dried
She finally made it home and sighed
Her soul ripped apart
Had been tied
Back together
Been waiting forever
But finally got the letter
An angel in disguise
I couldnt believe my eyes
After all the lows and the highs
After i  believed all the lies
He was nothing like the portraits
To my surprise
He was beautiful
He was not from here
He must have came
From up there.
“Just live your life”
He said
“Spread your beauty
To those who are dead.
You are here for the purpose”
She healed others simply by what she said.

Angels are not imaginary
Angels are not what we expect
Angels are just like you and me.
For perhaps your life is nothing
But An angel in the vivid dream



Looking through the glass…. a poem. l

Ice in her veins
And she is awakened
Her heart may be broken
But shes still fascinated

The fire she carries inside
Thats what keeps her alive
Years go by, they seem wasted
Seems they have all been a lie.

She thinks that shes found
A secret new place
She stays a little while
Then leaves with no trace.

Shes found a new meaning
Maybe life has a reason
For once she feels purpose
And not so much demons

Shes fighting a battle
Between evil and good
A war in her mind
She’d stop if she could

She thought she was special
She thought she was great
Until finally she realized ..
Or was it too late?

She thought she did good
She thought she was right
But she was no different
Than the cold black night

“We have to stop fighting
We have to make peace
We are not so much different
We must end this disease ?”

“Surrender to us
For you can never win
The monster so strong
Which lies from within”

For this place was nothing
But her mind’s imagination
Artificially self created
Through manifestation

She held on to false hope
A false reality and false dreams
In a world of her own now
And all alone too it seems.

She’d stay there forever
She didnt mind it at all.
Because there she had faith
In a world outside these walls

One closer to home
It was near, she could tell
Where she longed to be
Away from this hell

Her eyes were as red
As the blood from the needle
She hated herself more than anything
More so than these people.

The very windows to her soul
Painted in pitchfork red
Like the devil himself
She played with and fed

She lays down, relaxes
And closes her eyes
She finally escapes
And says her goodbyes

For now shes at home
Shes safe in her dreams
Where no one can scare her
Not even their screams

This madness and monster
She tries to hide from
A simple reflection
Of what shes become

Little did she know
She danced with the devil
The game was the same
But at a higher level

While she sleeps she restores
Her brain and perception
Back to normal reality
Until her next injection

See, thats the devils poison
And curiosity killed the cat
How could any good come from this
If she only understood that.

In order to reach heaven
You must first go through hell
So thats what she did
And then said farewell

She kissed them goodbye
And waved as she left
Into a new dimension now…
Onto a new quest.

That day there on earth
She slept there forever
The battle was over
No more fighting whoever.

It seemed like she slept
For ten thousand years
Before she finally woke up
In a brand new atmosphere

Her body was gone
It was such a strange sight
To see that her skin
Was nothing but light

All around her were lights
Just like her own
Equally as beautiful
No one was outshone.

She felt so much love
And then it was clear
This is the place of the angels
The place with no fear

The journey was long,
Exhausting and rough
She did what she could
And that was enough

Now home with the angels
The valley of light
She never has to worry
About another awful fight

The ice in her veins
Now melted and gone
Shattered heart, whole again
Like the darkness at dawn

And forever they all made love in the skies
They laughed as they sang and they danced
Even though they had forever
And forever they lived as if it were their last