FIRST OF ALL – if youre getting a rise out of roasting me, laughing and cussing while you sit and play me on your ‘VLT’s…

Well, too bad. Because I used to love you. And whoever is actually standing beside me in the end… Well, I love you too. Always have always will.

(We already know who the helper is, secretly. The ‘FOB’, the’Naggery’ and ‘Grand scheme fuckery’ will begin to cease. Like a disease.) – Humankind will move forward.

encouragement best explained


whats it gonna be?

running in fields of ecstasy?

high green blades of grass

wishing on the feathers of dandelions

a feeling you once knew

a fleeting escape your soul creates fast

look on the bright side

your hearts still beating to fight

to keep it together

yeah, i got it all together

emotions opposite of the weather

maybe thats what we need.

a lover at the other end of the spectrum

how else will you conquer balance ?

and balance, we need

so desperately

to keep all things

humanity, society, some part of me

at peace.

so whats it gonna be ?

are you yet realizing ?


the yin and the yang aint just some decorative thang.

oh how i love the flow of the words stuck in my brain

in fact, missing

but the glass house seeks to destroy the lost and retained

a window,  a screen, a sliver piercing our feet

they couldnt help it

and so the apple they eat

but i dont mind giving away my fruit

and my pieces of loot

after all, i am nothing without all of you.

and you can steal a little bit of my spark

to light up your ghostly existance, self, dark

but i wish not to break yet another heart

am i fool and just causing more harm?

can i be happy, comfortable, and stable yet ?

karma holds no more debt

although free, i am set

to sit, stop and rest

and give up the trials and tests

i just want something, something for nothing


… woops ! this is supposed to be encouraging.

so to all those who are out there in the battlefield

i want you to remember that love is your shield.

and when youre broke and cant get up

dust yourself off and dont give up.

cause light is brighter than the dark.

know your purpose and your worth.


you may never go to some university

but trust me

the warmth you carry around,

your smile as you walk around

your mysterious aura

your beauty leaving others astound

such angelic ways you should wear a crown

touching lives of those who always frown

honey, dont be so down

blood may not be but God is proud.



just do what drives you to be happy in upside down town.

which is being happy. so be happy. and youll simply be happy.




If we were having coffee

Got lots of reading done today. Brand new information stored in my brain. Each time, becoming one step closer to my fulfilled destiny. A long and winding staircase, ascending. I feel i am completely enlightened although i know there is always something new to be learned.

Im still so confused with todays acquired knowledge. I have failed to apply to most important piece of it all. Sure, it would explain a lot. But giving into that thought i am hesitant, for nothing is certain, and im terrified of being deceived.

I live in a terribly contradictive and paradoxal reality. Its exciting, mystical but not comprehendable at times. In fact, for years i thought i had some sort of entitlement, or significant importance, either that or i was suffering from a form of schizophrenia, a mental case on the verge of being institutionalized.

Although my true first acknowledgement of my understanding and awakening occured around a year ago, little did I know that for years i was actually practicing everything i was about to learn. All those days and nights of tedious, at times gruesome experiences and walking the streets for days with nowhere to go. Nothing made sense to me and i became scared of the only world i knew. Completely stripped of all my faith, trust, and my simple black and white perspective of the world. Out the window. I questioned everyone and everything. And fighting my obscene thoughts was exhausting. I lived everyday in fear and shame, confining myself indoors. Away from… whatever it WAS out there.

I knew in my heart that all the puzzle pieces had a meaning and i wasnt simply just a psycho. The feeling that it would all make sense to me one day was robust. I had a ravenous curiosity and hunger for more. Even when death knocked on my door more than once, i never backed down. I simply had to grasp the concept of this THING, PLACE, EXISTENCE, in which scared the fuck out of me and was intriguing all at the same time.


And thats exactly what i did. Over and over and over again until finally i was led to the beginning of the truth and grasped some concept. The point is to never stop reading. I used to feel cheated after i found out there were so many others like me and that perhaps i wasnt so special after all. But indeed we are, and knowing that so many others can relate, and are going through the same, and that im not alone and completely losing my mind, it made me very very happy.

So, ive definitely reached a great place in my spiritual growth. My understanding of my purpose and just everything has never been better. Theres still so much i need to discover though, about myself and those who are close to me. I want to spread the word and help any way i can. In fact, your journey is entirely up to you. YOU decide whether or not to keep going. I almost gave up but im glad i didnt. I was tricked by a wrongful source which led me to almost bend and break.

For laying inside my childish figment of imagination is the only thing that makes sense and inspires me. I hope other creative thinkers embrace their gifts rather than toss them aside feeling sheepish. Listen to your soul. It will guide you.

If we were out for coffee.. i would ask you to tell me your story.

Enjoy some quotes from the one and only albert einstein. Great minds think alike !

Encourage others to seek their path.

A wise man knows not to share his secrets.

“Now i understand why you pushed me away

I looked far and now i see, that the only one i needed was me.”


The process is freightning, exciting, disbelieving, surreal, amazing and tiring all at the same time. When your soul is prepared it will begin. Brace yoself ! P.S. self confidence is KEY to the success of ascension as well as filtering out all the negative that could potentially present itself during the process.


Peace love and light ! ♡

I cant stop.

second time now.
Beautiful work. Wasted.
Dont forget about our


cant ? Cant handle the truth ?
Cant handle the reality being exposed ?
Then get out of my world
This is my reality
I make my own rules
I created my own game
And i wrote the instructions
Dont like it ?
Take a hike then.

Yeah, my minds too fucked for its own good
But sanity never proved to be fun
Yet another mixture

Oh, laugh. Wont you ?
I want to see you happy.
You hate me, so its crazy
But thats just me
My sunshines all around this block
This street
My own world
Its mine
Chaos, madness, peace and sleep
Dreams, sleep walking, alive and living
Walking, laughing, thinking and creativity
In which we can express in any way we please
So stop the fuckery
And stop messing with me
I can drcide my own society
Sane, psychotic, or incomplete
Yeah, thats it.

My work here is not done.
Nor is it incomplete

Work in.progress
Growing tree
Wandering soul
Not lost
Just free.







enjoy  the gift of life.

These words are my heart and soul.

“I want you to know With everything i wont let this go These words are my heart and soul I’ll hold onto this moment you know Cause i bleed my heart out to show And i wont let go.” 1. Depth. Free of anxiety. Gentle. TPB. Artistic. Passion. Words of cheese. Understanding of the chaos. Healthy. Inexperienced. Damaged. Paranoid. Depressed. Attention seeking. Selfish convenience. Family oriented. Mother relationship. Connection at a further level 2. Slow. Tons in common. High assurity. No questioning. Clingy. Great experience. Motivated. Possibly superficial. No artistic value? Unnappreciative of meaning. Rushing. No real depth. Jealous. Misunderstands space. Little nervous. Strong. Big. Safety and secure. Does not fuck around. No second guesses. Short term. 2 lessons – a million new ideas, desires and understanding of what i need. Bad. Better. Please bring the best, now. Or was it here all along ? Babe, as time goes on, it doesnt feel so wrong Im not perfect enough though, and, youre mean You understand it, but only to a degree And why are you so ashamed of me Youre lucky this planet hates me. You almost lost me. In reality you dont deserve me. I hope one day we both change. For the better. So that our lifelong friendship turns into our lifetime dream. We are the very same. Yet total opposites. And now its dawning on me Ass in gear to work towards everything i need to be. For me. Us. Love. Trust. Patience dear. Dont forget about me. Or am i simply lovesick for love again?


Contestant number three

Show yourself to me.

Shall you be thrusted upon me.

Oh, the irony.

That i was too blind to see

Whats right in front of me

After all these years.

The very best things in life take lots of time.

We started out as two little kids

Trying to catch a thrill

Oh yeah, we loved a good thrill

Total adrenaline junkies.

You disapproved my method.

It wasted a lot of my life afterall.

Well, in the others’ eyes

Not mine.

I learned more than id anticipated

Or that i was prepared for

During that frightful fall

Like alice in wonderland

Completely engulfed by a world of madness, miracles and mysteries

Utter insanity, where im most happy.

I dont think you could ever understand.

And that scares me.

A story without understanding

Or believing

Is nothing but a mere fairytale.

So i’ll keep this darkness with me

Locked away into the deepest depths of my soul

Hidden and safe, from the innocent

Oh yes, i know i wanted all the answers.

And i know curiosity usually doesnt do the cat any good.

But i couldnt stop.

The hunger for more was surely one of a lion

Indeed, the king of beasts

And while exploring the jungle was definitely a frightening journey

I knew the reward was well worth it.

Whatever it was, i knew in my soul i achieved great things

Maybe i helped lost souls find their wings.

Maybe they felt heaven just for a day

Maybe they remembered from where they came

Maybe it gave them something to think

Its enough for me to believe

That i went down in history

When all those souls think of me

From time to time. And smile.

Oh, my darling. You treat me like im a fool.

Whether i was wide awake or dreaming

I did something even i dont know about.

Oh, sure. It was for your entertainment.

Use me as you will. But you should know by now

My mind is far too creative to not get fullfillment

Out of this absurd life we’ve created

I say we, because lets be honest

We both have a say in what gets played

Am i interesting yet ?

Do people love me yet ?

No, just the thought is comforting.

That even though im a lost cause

It wasnt a complete waste

And when i close my eyes to dream

I get a round of applause

While i sleep and watch the lives of those on the other side.

I dont expect to ever be fully understood.

Dont try because youll drown.

Patiently waiting for someone to embark on a journey on my vicious dark seas to get to me.

Yeah, ive done those things. But do you ask why ? Take the time to really listen ? Open up your mind to the endless possibilities the universe has to offer.

Our imaginaty minds

Can go sky high

Until we fly

Above blue sky

Into new heights

Your rollercoaster ride

My glass empire flight

We here for one more night

It will be alright

When darkness turns to light

Yeah, we will be alright. You and I.

Together in this wild ride.


Perhaps i know what i want. But i simply cant allow it. For the uncertainty of it all. And nobody wants to feel like that. Unsafe. Not secure. Id lose everybody and no one wants to be alone.

Has it ever occured to you that perhaps we’ll never be good enough for anyone else. And that were just two oddballs that desire something so much more. Adventure, meaning, thrills, to be free as a bird. Limits do not exist and opportunities are endless.

This has turned into quite the rambling blabble jabble in which i would have rather avoided. But when you have a million thoughts racing around at once, its hard not to come up with a mess.

I think the vision finally makes sense to me now. I dont know anything though really. I mean i thought i did. A wise man knows he knows nothing. So the show may just be getting started.

Join me on my quest for a happily ever after life: love, laughter, great memories, new quests, new destinations and new realizations, new happiness, new me, new life, new beginning.

No more running around like a chicken. Im done with that. Why should i do anything more than sit back and let it all fall into place? Its hard to trust but baby trust your fate.

Trust is something i dont think ill ever know again. I reply.

Then at least trust the sky. Trust the stars and the clouds and the moon. But especially the sun. For it shall always be there, even in your darkest days. The sky is absolute, it wont ever leave you.

Then i should just marry it. If the sky is the only thing i am guaranteed to have for life. Day after day. Sky. Sky. Sky. Ive always loved the sky.

“Its a damn cold night

Tryna figure out this life

Take me somewhere new

I dont know who you are, but i,

Im with you.”





I feel heartless.

It seems as though my wings have been peeled off my back.
It seems as though the love, kindness and compassion i once held
I now lack.

It seems as though the universe brought me to many great places and gave me many great gifts
Just to take them all back.

It seems as though my duties on this earth i no longer can hack.
It seems as though i was on an amazing path but now ive lost track.

My heart once full of fire has turned to ashes, turned black.
I cant stop soaring please give me my wings back.

It seems my life has been nothing but a trap.


Im breaking down inside

I wish someone truly understood me.
I wish i could explain what my spiritual journey has been like so far and my purpose on this earth and what makes me happy and what drives my soul, where people wont think im a complete nutcase.
And where they’ll hug me and say everythings going to be okay. Just keep doing what you love. It doesnt matter what others think. You need to do YOU and follow your heart.

But nobody gets it. Nobody ever will.
My best friend has changed. He is this negative person who doesnt have a clue of who I am or what i do and why i do it. And only seems to want to hurt me, these days.

I live in a magical spiritual world in which I finally understand the reason for why im here. In this mystical reality. I think i understand my duty. I may temporarily get off track at times and give into false temptation. But it doesnt stop me from picking myself back up and going about my journey as i sail on this ship of surrealism. My life is so surreal sometimes i think its a movie. I know some people are on the same page as me, i just wish i could find them so that in times like these when our regular family and friends say or do things that hurt us because they simply dont understand these crazy lives we live, we could support eachother. Even i dont understand it at times. I mean its far more clear to me now than ever before, but it is not explainable to anyone of those who are not on the same path and journey as we are.
I mean it kind of is. But would they listen ? Would they believe us ?

My ship is currently sailing through a bad storm. I fell for someone completely unusual in which i dont understand how it happened. Just one night of talking and being close and holding her and touching her skin and kissing her soft lips, i didnt know it at the time, but when id get home and look back on it the next day, id be completely insane for her.

This is not a good thing. I no longer, ever, want to subject myself to falling in love. All my life ive been surrounded by people with tainted hearts, manipulation and lies are control their whole life, and in the end, my heart is heavy. And breaks. And it hurts too much. So i like to keep away from situations where i could potentially end up having very strong feelings for someone. It never has turned out well for me.

As for me, i am female. I can fall in love with anyone of any gender. Their inner beauty and what goes on in their minds.. is what makes me fall. And i fall hard, and fast. It doesnt matter whether theyre male or female. The feeling of being comfortable around someone as youre lying with them, intertwined, you love everything about them.
From their soft skin, to the front they put up for defense when meeting new people, and then when their wall comes down they are the sweetest most beautiful person. Their scars show their past and you just have the urge to run your fingers over them and kiss them and hold them and make them feel better. And do anything in your power to make them see their worth and their beauty.

I am not new to this. I’ll be spending time with someone and while i know theyre into me, i am as well into them at that very moment. I think, ah, this is just some innocent fun. Its when they leave and theyre gone and i am alone once again, able to really ponder and think about them… i miss their presence, i want to lay with them just us two alone, safe and happy. I think all the beautiful things they said to me and how no ones ever said that to me before, not at least in the sincerity she seemed to have.

I keep my walls up though. The world in which i sometimes find myself in, on a mission. Most can do or say anything it is that they know will get them what they want. I cant let her know that im crazy about her. I cant show any emotion and be vulnerable. Its too risky. Its just going to turn out like it always has. In pain. I dont trust anyone at all anymore, absolutely no one. Many are deceiving and have alterior agendas. I will love everyone and be kind to everyone. But never will i let myself fall in love.
Oh wait. Is it too late ? Regardless, when this happens, i dont say a word and eventually the feelings subside. Back out early before it gets harder. Before its too late and youre head over heels and well.. to them, you were just a playmate. A toy, if you will.

My world is crashing before my eyes. My life gets more complicated as time continues and im in it all alone. Im losing friends because they say im a horrible person and everything i do is to intentionally hurt others. That really gets to me cause it couldnt be more than the complete opposite.
My best friend doesnt know me anymore. He has changed. He is arrogant and negative. It hurts me deep inside that this rollercoaster of a life im on could never be described.

I feel like my worlds been turned completely upside down. I dont want to be in love and i dont want my best friend to suddenly become an enemy. But is that life ? Is this just a regular occurance that happens to a lot of people ?

“It is almost impossble for [people like us] to live completely normal lives.”

How do you justify that to those who view your life from the outside in such a negative way.
Im sorry. But this is what i have to do, where i have to be, who i have to talk to, whom i must reveal pure love to. Sincere, beautiful love.
Yes i get taken advantage of and yes sometimes people hate me for it and it leaves me broken knowing that ive failed. But at the same time, i dont understand them just as they dont understand me. I mustn’t give up just because of one hostile experience.
I can only hope this individual looks back on it one day and sees the beauty in it. I dont want her to feel guilty, i just want her to think, “wow, she was a beautiful kind soul.”

I have a feeling this girl whom i have feelings for, is in jail. She was on the run, and hiding. She called me everyday and i only answered a few times. I am not a huge phone talker. I prefer messaging and texting. Had i known she’d disappear right after having such a beautiful time with her, and that i would end up loving her, i would have answered every one of those calls. I would have had her over everyday and fed her tiny frail body. I would keep her in my house as often as i could where its safe and secure. Sure, take her away from me as soon as i go mad over her. But perhaps its a good thing. She wont even be available to speak with or see.. for the next 2 years.. if she really is back in jail.
Whatever. I’ll just bail her out. I dont care.

I must stay far, far away from falling in love.
And far, far away from people who hurt my soul.