Apathy

She don’t feel a thing no more, 

Emotions have run dry.

A beautiful soul with so much light 

It all has seems to have died.

Raw and real, life of the party 

Turned superficial sad, dull and quiet.

All she knows is vanity. Looking good saves her sanity.

 Suddenly it dawned on her that she wasn’t so special anymore. With no more spark she became just like everybody else.

A cold hearted, materialistic boring average girl. 

Pretty and numb

Gave up on love 

Days go by slow

With nowhere to go 

When the amusement  train rides the crystal railroads once in a blue moon only, hey, conductor? Update the schedule will you? We seem to be eager to ride and ride and ride as much as we can get away with….

FIRST OF ALL – if youre getting a rise out of roasting me, laughing and cussing while you sit and play me on your ‘VLT’s…

Well, too bad. Because I used to love you. And whoever is actually standing beside me in the end… Well, I love you too. Always have always will.

(We already know who the helper is, secretly. The ‘FOB’, the’Naggery’ and ‘Grand scheme fuckery’ will begin to cease. Like a disease.) – Humankind will move forward.

reality is burning me dead

i cant go
i cant go on, so
how do i move along, so
i hate goodbyes, so
i sing a sad song
i fucking miss you all so
so much
pain unbearable
how do i go on? so,
i’ll cry myself to sleep tonight
youre not here to hold me tight
i cant fucking forever fight
this pain will eat me alive
so
tonight although the stars are bright
my soul is lacking its inner light

my child, you are so bright
you are the age of only nine
but your intelligence mirrors even mine
youre gonna go far kid.
i told you secrets of this darkness called life
i hope youll always remember some of the insight
cherish the beautiful time we had tonight.
you were here for me when no one else was in sight
my life now lacks depth
without you, without him.
this feels a lot like death.
i pray i’ll get to see all you beautiful people again
God, please give me strength.

“Honestly, what will become of me?
Dont like reality, its way too clear to me.
Why do all good things come to an end?”

youve touched my heart like no other in such little time.
How am I ever going to be fine?

you said you werent going anywhere. ever.

the very last image of you
forever trapped in my mind
i looked at you and smiled, because,
you wore some favourite things of mine.

After so much pleasure and sexual energy
coursing through my veins pouring out like waterfall lakes
As I threw up my purple hair you stared
And you stood in my doorway
looking especially fly in all my favourite attire
You probably smiled as I drifted so quickly into a blissful sleep
With my music of all genres lulled me to sleep
Because you left me
and although all those days it was no lullaby you sang
but simply a gentle kiss on the neck
and our bodies’ closeness.

I made you my all cause it was all I needed.
And now you have left and I am left with nothing.
You took all those things – a pendant from my best friend of ten years
My favourite sweatpants
The only pair of sunglasses
Ive ever truly liked
not because they looked good on my face
But because they were from the dollar store and didnt have those annoying nose holder things that got caught in my haor whenever my hair was tied up.

That fucking image will never leave my head
Because you looked so damn good in everything
I took pride when you wore my things.
Why ciuldnt you have just come to fucking bed ?

Now everything youve left behind
im not sure if it was cause you were in a rush to leave, or your way to compensate for my stuff.
Right now i want to throw all your shit in the firepit in the backyard and let it fucking burn
I cant handle any of your remains
i want to erase every fucking memory of you.

go ahead and settle for that egotistical looking bitch who looks like she has nothing to give.

what about everything we saw?
magic, miracles, witchcraft or spells?
what about all those promises?
the fucking shit you said to me
ideally i want you dead.

nobody understands that i dont just jump into any relationship
i swore id never settle for anything less than extraordinary.
or was i simply too thirsty to love and fuck everybody i wanted, or too afraid to open up and be comfortable?

i” dont do relationships” id always tell people.
But this time I told everyone how excited I was that Ifound you.

Dont blame God for what you did to me.
Thats no fucking excuse.

whats she got that i dont have ? a dick?
Lord, forgive me for my anger.
But how the fuck am I ever gonna heal this time ?

If youre going to use someone as a replacement or for a feeding
dont you dare ever do what you have done to me.

and fuck you if youre smirking.
I am me and I cant help these feelings

you promised me a dream and I dont want to go alone.

I dream youll walk back right through my door.

I hope our memories haunt you

I hope you wear my things cause you loved me too.

but am I just a fucking fool ?

Right now Im having trouble believing in faith that
you’ll still be mine at the gates..

mighr as well spill my heart out

you walked into my life at such a perfect time.
you were a complete stranger one day
then the next,  a best friend of mine.
weren”t we so smitten ?
imagining and playing like children
sat on my polka dot bed
not able to speak even a full sentence
you made it so easy for me to close everyone else off
for.all my relationships anyways were toxic.
i didnt miss them. not even my best friend.
my best friend from high school
who slowly turned into a stranger
almost evil, and especially cruel.

i spoke to nobody
i didnt have to.
im far from conceited and quite insecure
you seemed to be the only person who truly knew that.
i was fine, you know,
all those lazy days, just me and you.
stupid boys always chased.me for sure
but i wanted you so i never let it show.
and i thought you spoke of many girls because of your gigantic ego
your dark past of gangs drugs and hoes
you would tell your story but you would boast.
all your violent crimes didnt impress so,
you changed the dialogue
talking about dark secrets, sorrow,
pain and fears you claimed only i know.

those days, summertime started to grow
we sat, drinking beer, on the beautiful patio
around the fire pit we’d peacefully smoke
i’d offen wonder who you were, truly
why you were here with me so comfortably
I just met you, but I never wanted you to leave.

a blessing from God. “maybe we deserve rhis” you said as you stole my thoughts once again.
we climbed into my tiny bed at night
you made me laugh so damn hard till i cried
over and over and over again you surprised me with your non chalant, quirky humour. i wanted to laugh with you forever.

you saw me at some of my lowest times
numbing my pain and you saw me cry
and no.ones ever held me like you did
as my tears ran down to your shoulders.
and i wont forget that night
the one where you held me until i fell asleep
so peacefully in your safe embrace

you put me back on solid ground
when all hope i thoughr i lost, you found
picked me up when i couldnt do it myself
you brought me breakfast, you brought me coffee
you brought me my favourite flowers
and trinkets which ironically had much meaning to me, my life.

yeah my bed was small.
but we slept even if your back was against the wall
you told me you slept soundly, finallly
while i dreamed of wickedness, you seemed to be already up, waiting,
to make me feel safe again and instantly i’d drift back off.

my eyes are getting heavy now.
its been almost 3 days without rest
after what you did to me, well
i ran back to my familiar ways
filling the barrel, pointing a poison arrow
reading anything i could find that felt like you had written it just for me.engulfed by the bibl,e poets of love and history
riding the fine line between psychotic and (somewhat) sanity
i keep forgetting im not at home and still completely consumed by our lust fantasy.
im at the point where this place is completely familiar but yet
looking around i get confused as fuck.
and then i remember.
youre not home and neither am I.
and id do anything to go back in time.

before my own insecurities ate me alive.
and maybe i stopped showing you just how much you meant to me
even though just a few weeks
ive never mer anybody in my whole life where i didnt want them to leave.
and i cannot stress that enough.
my space is precious and you must be a fucking angel if i prefer you over that.

you.. i became afraid.
i fucking  started getting nervous while in your presence.
i started to feel small rather than the semi pretty girl who i believed i once was.
you have it all, you know that ?
amazing in every way shape and form
and i cannot seem to figure it all out.
did you come to teach? use me? hide from the authorities?
you cant possibly be real. too good to be true. even better than whom i thought was perfect from heels to toes.

i cant have you be a lesson.
it scares the shit out of me how gracefully you have lived with me
helped me
and worst of all
how i envisioned a fucking future with you
in so little time.
your perfect sense of humour
perfect ocean eyes
perfect affection
perfect assets and skills.
perfect fucking dialogue to get me addicted.

far different from the others
i felt it in my chest
i gave you all my effort all my trust
until …  you broke it.
but i didnt care because i was too infatuated and knew you would have some income soon.
trust me boy, id lock you in my room.
but its hard providing for two.

you have yet to come back.
you send few texts breaking more promises
ignoring my calls youve made me feel so fucking let down.
whats worse is your attitude. how could you blame me? this is a side of you i never could have imagined you posessed.
i lay here alone in pain again now that the drugs and money are gone

i pray to god youll go back home
lets go back home cause youre worth more than this to me
and I know this wasnt a lie because
God knew I was hurt and lonely.
Would he really do this to me?

Im so fucking worried. about you. about me
my 2 dollar bank account
and the promise you didnt keep.
i hate how ive become dependent on somebody
and how no ones ever made me feel this way.
so here i am. i could barely keep my eyes open hours ago but instead it bothered me so much that i had to come clean.

please dont  leave me.
i believed every word you said.
dont do this.
im sorry for being so young and naive
insecure and sometimes mean
if youre struggling i want to set you free
i dont know if i know what love is but im sure as hell fucking lonely.

and if you have to leave, leave.
but do not go without saying goodbye please.
maybe weve failed Gods trials.
Maybe you never really cared or,
maybe i didnt show enough.

the suns rising again on this monday morning
i spent my entire night spilling this out
wasting away my precious sleep
thats deep

i miss having you around so much i cannot stand to even be alone in that household.
I pray to God I see you there today.
i just want a lengthy hug and for you to explain …..

and then we can hustle together this month.

i hope you know it scares me i like you this much.
if you end things this way ill be fucking crushed.

my friends have already warned me..

but instead i listened to what my insudes were telling me.
and the schizophrenic tv.

im becoming delirious and my only wish is to lay with you in bed and show.you my new pet crab.

okay my brain MUST shut off now.
I went through some major shit past couple days.

youll probably never even see this but
i just hope youre fucking okay and back on your way.

sands of time

and so it seems
its as simple
as a stroll through the times
hours, weeks, years
repeatedly
walking in circles

when will i find the path which doesnt dwindle
turn and twine
frequently all the same fucking time

broken record
its pretty useless
searching for things
that came between us

the friends, the lovers, even the nations
but then i remember
everything that was ever promised to me was just a lie.

naive beliefs and childish dreams.

but its a cruel cruel world
better to sleep than to daydream.

or maybe its just me.

but FUCK saying sorry.

cause im not.

an abundance of love many of you have desperately sought
and when you were showered in it
all that was once there quickly was lost.

im not sad they all left me
im sad because all i ever wanted was to help them
grow, flow, like the wilderness and the seas

but i guess im just a destructive thunderstorm to them
rather than a welcoming sun shower
im no fucking rainbow
i got my own demons dwelling in my closet.

but then i realize
perhaps i am at my best in the deserts.
rather than a valley ceasing to flourish.

these rocks and cactuses have nothing for me.
ah, well.
im just missing my camel.
But he was an omnivore.

maybe one day i’ll find a lost flower
amongst these dry lands
confused amonst the times and the thirsty sands

a sole lonely flower kinda like me.

onward my travels i shall go.

“round and round we go
when we shall stop, well,
nobody knows”

im not getting anywhere here, am I ?

trees

rakes are for leaves
leaves are for trees
trees are for oxygen
life, breathing, air
fruit, history, speaking

green
in the summer
and when autumn comes
they change.

and then the crystal clear snow falls
snowflakes prance around
beautiful,  sparkling
and the kids make snow angels.
the trees are dusted in crystalline

ah. how the seasons change.

Here comes the part
Where I break my own heart
I look into your eyes
And they just dont seem to shine
So here comes the end
Even though this was just the start
I’ll push you away
So fucking far
I’ll break you apart before I fall too deep into love
Us… This… Whatever this is…
I really thought I could trust
But im building my wall back up.

I dont need to talk
For your words are my exact thoughts

And i dont need to dream alone
Were dreaming ’bout that same old home

And i dont need to be afraid
I dont think you’re inflicting pain

And we dont need to be the same
Embrace our fire, go insane

And we dont have to sit and stay
Lets go, just go so far away
Where no one knows our face or name
But somehow we remember the place…

 

But Who are You ?

I cant look into your eyes
Theyre just too deep
No one was ever able to
See right through me

Afraid but I am pleased
I dont remember a time
Where my own eyes
My own eyes, couldnt tease

What are you trying to do
Proclaiming your power
And I thought I was alone
A sole lonely flower

And so I take a deep breath
Take down my wall
You express sincere interest
And im not afraid to fall.

You are so refreshing.
I want to know your soul…..