Apathy

She don’t feel a thing no more, 

Emotions have run dry.

A beautiful soul with so much light 

It all has seems to have died.

Raw and real, life of the party 

Turned superficial sad, dull and quiet.

All she knows is vanity. Looking good saves her sanity.

 Suddenly it dawned on her that she wasn’t so special anymore. With no more spark she became just like everybody else.

A cold hearted, materialistic boring average girl. 

Pretty and numb

Gave up on love 

Days go by slow

With nowhere to go 

When the amusement  train rides the crystal railroads once in a blue moon only, hey, conductor? Update the schedule will you? We seem to be eager to ride and ride and ride as much as we can get away with….

sands of time

and so it seems
its as simple
as a stroll through the times
hours, weeks, years
repeatedly
walking in circles

when will i find the path which doesnt dwindle
turn and twine
frequently all the same fucking time

broken record
its pretty useless
searching for things
that came between us

the friends, the lovers, even the nations
but then i remember
everything that was ever promised to me was just a lie.

naive beliefs and childish dreams.

but its a cruel cruel world
better to sleep than to daydream.

or maybe its just me.

but FUCK saying sorry.

cause im not.

an abundance of love many of you have desperately sought
and when you were showered in it
all that was once there quickly was lost.

im not sad they all left me
im sad because all i ever wanted was to help them
grow, flow, like the wilderness and the seas

but i guess im just a destructive thunderstorm to them
rather than a welcoming sun shower
im no fucking rainbow
i got my own demons dwelling in my closet.

but then i realize
perhaps i am at my best in the deserts.
rather than a valley ceasing to flourish.

these rocks and cactuses have nothing for me.
ah, well.
im just missing my camel.
But he was an omnivore.

maybe one day i’ll find a lost flower
amongst these dry lands
confused amonst the times and the thirsty sands

a sole lonely flower kinda like me.

onward my travels i shall go.

“round and round we go
when we shall stop, well,
nobody knows”

im not getting anywhere here, am I ?

One of these days

Why should i wait around until i fucking figure out what went wrong?
Why should i keep second guessing myself?
Why should i waste my time wondering if i said or did something
And that it was all my fault?
Why should i have to get high
Just to find the answers why?
Not sure if im being paranoid or actually gaining insight?
Im done with this fucking bullshit
Pretty soon i will demand for the answers.
And you WILL give them to me.
And i will call you out on any bullshit fucking excuse you try to play.
Sometime soon, one day.

Walls.

If only people saw all the things that ive seen
If only people knew all the things that i knew
Then maybe they wouldnt get so mad
And would understand my fucked up trust issues

I dont know you
Total strangers looking like angels
Every single time its the same thing
Too good to be true

…

Why
How could you have done this
I just want to understand…
You dont know what you did
Do you.

Living in a mice infested apartment.

It is 6am. Im tired as hell. My eyes are heavy. But i havent shut the light. And my muscles are tense, i cannot relax whatsoever.

Why you may ask?
Ive been living here for a month and a half now.
The first month was absolutely fine. I was ecstatic about having a free gym in my apartment. I felt optimistic during this time – like a new beginning.

It started only a few days ago. Almost a week ago.
I was in the bathroom doing my makeup. I heard something within the walls. Scratching and, i kid you not – squeaking noises. I thought it were the pipes at first until i googled it and figured out it was mice in there.

I talked to my roommate about it. She said she had actually seen one. In the vent. A small one.
Well then. That confirms it. All.of the sudden, our place has mice.
All day long i heard a mouse scratch and squeak in the same spot. It lasted over 24 hours. Although it was distressing, i still managed to sleep and everything.

Then a couple days after i actually heard one run along the wall right beside my bed where i was sitting. I didnt actually see it though but it was enough to give me a spook. I left the room and didnt return for quite some time. The plan was to just go out and stay out for as long as i could. And just return for sleep.

Tonight, as i layed in bed while my nails dried, there it was. Visual confirmation. A big fat mother fucker, scurrying across the room. At first i was frozen and stunned. After it disappeared somewhere, i ran straight out of my room. Sat at the kitchen table and texted a couple people for support. At this point the anxiety settled in.

I left the suite and went to the back lobby. I sat on the couch and began to cry. I was completely horrified at was i just witnessed. Absolutely disgusting. I have fucking big ass mice all over my room. Great. I mean i could always hear them but it was like, i could easily just not believe it i guess.
I called my mom and had a melt down. I hyperventilated for a couple minutes. I was really distraught. She helped calm me down and eventually i returned to my room. It was 3am after all.

Ever since then ive been in bed with my back turned to my room. Blasting my music or watching videos to distract me
Thing is, i can hear them everywhere. But its not as bad if you cant see them.
Im so scared. Im so scared. And its irrational, isnt it ? Theyre cute at the pet store
Why am i so afraid when they are here?

Theyre different here. Theyre uglier here. They are the devils creatures. Theyre dirty and diseased. Its kind of like a giant insect. It sure feels that way. Like the feeling when i see a huge spider – only this is much much worse. I have never had a panic attack meltdown over a spider.

I am writing this to distract my mind. I am writing this to kill time while i wait for my mother to give me the word that i can go stay at her place until i move out in 2 weeks. Anything. Anything. FUCK i just heard another fat fucker run just 4 feet away from me. IM SO FUCKING TERRIFIED . ALSO, THE PURPOSE OF THIS WAS TO LET ANYONE OUT THERE SUFFERING FROM THE SAME THING THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE.
YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL STUPID FOR BEING AFRAID. IT IS TRULY A TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE. IVE BEEN THERE AND I UNDERSTAND.