mighr as well spill my heart out

you walked into my life at such a perfect time.
you were a complete stranger one day
then the next,  a best friend of mine.
weren”t we so smitten ?
imagining and playing like children
sat on my polka dot bed
not able to speak even a full sentence
you made it so easy for me to close everyone else off
for.all my relationships anyways were toxic.
i didnt miss them. not even my best friend.
my best friend from high school
who slowly turned into a stranger
almost evil, and especially cruel.

i spoke to nobody
i didnt have to.
im far from conceited and quite insecure
you seemed to be the only person who truly knew that.
i was fine, you know,
all those lazy days, just me and you.
stupid boys always chased.me for sure
but i wanted you so i never let it show.
and i thought you spoke of many girls because of your gigantic ego
your dark past of gangs drugs and hoes
you would tell your story but you would boast.
all your violent crimes didnt impress so,
you changed the dialogue
talking about dark secrets, sorrow,
pain and fears you claimed only i know.

those days, summertime started to grow
we sat, drinking beer, on the beautiful patio
around the fire pit we’d peacefully smoke
i’d offen wonder who you were, truly
why you were here with me so comfortably
I just met you, but I never wanted you to leave.

a blessing from God. “maybe we deserve rhis” you said as you stole my thoughts once again.
we climbed into my tiny bed at night
you made me laugh so damn hard till i cried
over and over and over again you surprised me with your non chalant, quirky humour. i wanted to laugh with you forever.

you saw me at some of my lowest times
numbing my pain and you saw me cry
and no.ones ever held me like you did
as my tears ran down to your shoulders.
and i wont forget that night
the one where you held me until i fell asleep
so peacefully in your safe embrace

you put me back on solid ground
when all hope i thoughr i lost, you found
picked me up when i couldnt do it myself
you brought me breakfast, you brought me coffee
you brought me my favourite flowers
and trinkets which ironically had much meaning to me, my life.

yeah my bed was small.
but we slept even if your back was against the wall
you told me you slept soundly, finallly
while i dreamed of wickedness, you seemed to be already up, waiting,
to make me feel safe again and instantly i’d drift back off.

my eyes are getting heavy now.
its been almost 3 days without rest
after what you did to me, well
i ran back to my familiar ways
filling the barrel, pointing a poison arrow
reading anything i could find that felt like you had written it just for me.engulfed by the bibl,e poets of love and history
riding the fine line between psychotic and (somewhat) sanity
i keep forgetting im not at home and still completely consumed by our lust fantasy.
im at the point where this place is completely familiar but yet
looking around i get confused as fuck.
and then i remember.
youre not home and neither am I.
and id do anything to go back in time.

before my own insecurities ate me alive.
and maybe i stopped showing you just how much you meant to me
even though just a few weeks
ive never mer anybody in my whole life where i didnt want them to leave.
and i cannot stress that enough.
my space is precious and you must be a fucking angel if i prefer you over that.

you.. i became afraid.
i fucking  started getting nervous while in your presence.
i started to feel small rather than the semi pretty girl who i believed i once was.
you have it all, you know that ?
amazing in every way shape and form
and i cannot seem to figure it all out.
did you come to teach? use me? hide from the authorities?
you cant possibly be real. too good to be true. even better than whom i thought was perfect from heels to toes.

i cant have you be a lesson.
it scares the shit out of me how gracefully you have lived with me
helped me
and worst of all
how i envisioned a fucking future with you
in so little time.
your perfect sense of humour
perfect ocean eyes
perfect affection
perfect assets and skills.
perfect fucking dialogue to get me addicted.

far different from the others
i felt it in my chest
i gave you all my effort all my trust
until …  you broke it.
but i didnt care because i was too infatuated and knew you would have some income soon.
trust me boy, id lock you in my room.
but its hard providing for two.

you have yet to come back.
you send few texts breaking more promises
ignoring my calls youve made me feel so fucking let down.
whats worse is your attitude. how could you blame me? this is a side of you i never could have imagined you posessed.
i lay here alone in pain again now that the drugs and money are gone

i pray to god youll go back home
lets go back home cause youre worth more than this to me
and I know this wasnt a lie because
God knew I was hurt and lonely.
Would he really do this to me?

Im so fucking worried. about you. about me
my 2 dollar bank account
and the promise you didnt keep.
i hate how ive become dependent on somebody
and how no ones ever made me feel this way.
so here i am. i could barely keep my eyes open hours ago but instead it bothered me so much that i had to come clean.

please dont  leave me.
i believed every word you said.
dont do this.
im sorry for being so young and naive
insecure and sometimes mean
if youre struggling i want to set you free
i dont know if i know what love is but im sure as hell fucking lonely.

and if you have to leave, leave.
but do not go without saying goodbye please.
maybe weve failed Gods trials.
Maybe you never really cared or,
maybe i didnt show enough.

the suns rising again on this monday morning
i spent my entire night spilling this out
wasting away my precious sleep
thats deep

i miss having you around so much i cannot stand to even be alone in that household.
I pray to God I see you there today.
i just want a lengthy hug and for you to explain …..

and then we can hustle together this month.

i hope you know it scares me i like you this much.
if you end things this way ill be fucking crushed.

my friends have already warned me..

but instead i listened to what my insudes were telling me.
and the schizophrenic tv.

im becoming delirious and my only wish is to lay with you in bed and show.you my new pet crab.

okay my brain MUST shut off now.
I went through some major shit past couple days.

youll probably never even see this but
i just hope youre fucking okay and back on your way.


2 thoughts on “mighr as well spill my heart out

  1. beautiful……false
    but beautiful
    I kept warning you that tou were going to create problwm that weren’t there
    I don’t know what i’m doing now….pray for you everyday


  2. the problem was that you promised to come back that night with everythig and explain. and you didnt. THAT was the problem. what is false here ? these words are my heart and soul. youre the one who made excuse after excuse. the only thing false were the feelings.you claimed to have for me. wouldnt you agree ? i needed you, which probably wasnt even a good thing.


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